tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post1967452760901328..comments2024-03-14T03:16:23.482-05:00Comments on Everyone Needs Therapy: Divorce no divorce-your kidtherapydochttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05088184676439578876noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-47393746560899799402010-09-22T22:04:39.033-05:002010-09-22T22:04:39.033-05:00Great post, thanks for sharing. Seems this scenari...Great post, thanks for sharing. Seems this scenario happens much too often. My ex-mother-in-law was too involved and it caused many arguments. While I don't advocate divorce I do feel that sometimes it is inevitable. I tried everything I could to save my marriage and it didn't work. Now I am a single Dad (yes I have full custody) with 3 kids. The divorce was hard on them but they are so much better off now. I got a lot of information and <a href="http://www.dadsdivorce.com/" rel="nofollow">advice for divorce</a> from http://www.dadsdivorce.com.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02953690756749922924noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-48830492202461638632007-03-09T06:41:00.000-06:002007-03-09T06:41:00.000-06:00You're absolutely right. As a therapist, tho, tre...You're absolutely right. As a therapist, tho, treating THAT person isn't always so easy. The one that's most difficult to treat is often only there for someone else, like the kid. But you're right, changing people and how they relate is the ultimate goal.therapydochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05088184676439578876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-89659253200484725602007-03-09T05:47:00.000-06:002007-03-09T05:47:00.000-06:00ust trying to get my head around this -- having ta...ust trying to get my head around this -- having talked through divorce both as a parent and a step-parent. I know you don't like absolutes, but when a marriage doesn't work there's often behaviors that each parent contributes and often continues in their relationship with the child(ren). Getting people out of that "rut" and relating to children (and former spouse?) differently seems part of the eco-system to me...this article is very interesting for Divorce Help, click on the link <BR/>to find similar article <A HREF="http://mediatethis.com//" REL="nofollow">Divorce Help</A>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-77559007176749949742007-01-23T20:33:00.000-06:002007-01-23T20:33:00.000-06:00No question, Y it would be great if this family ha...No question, Y it would be great if this family had the financial resources to devote to fixing everything. But it's not going to happen so I shoot for the changes between the kid and her parents, not the interactions between parents. Most divorced couples aren't going to fix what was broke in the marriage, that's why they're divorced. BTW, Dad did call E, just not as often as this either E or this doc would have liked. Remember. I CHANGE the facts on these cases, so discussing them in depth in this way can be a little bizarre.therapydochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05088184676439578876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-21437347320002808882007-01-23T20:05:00.000-06:002007-01-23T20:05:00.000-06:00Hey doc,
Thanks for your reply to my comment. I g...Hey doc,<br /><br />Thanks for your reply to my comment. I guess I was confused by some of the "pieces of the puzzle" in your post. Court-ordered therapy seemed like a sign that the parents were not working together to make things happen -- since someone would have to alert the court to the need for therapy, non? Combine that with a father who goes to great lengths (and expense) to get his daughter back into the state -- and then doesn't call her (was he trying to punish the mother? or was it really about the child?) Something just didn't fit in this picture... <br /><br />Just trying to get my head around this -- having talked through divorce both as a parent and a step-parent. I know you don't like absolutes, but when a marriage doesn't work there's often behaviors that each parent contributes and often continues in their relationship with the child(ren). Getting people out of that "rut" and relating to children (and former spouse?) differently seems part of the eco-system to me...<br /><br />Ellie is lucky someone saw the need and got her the help she needs. And she's lucky that someone took the time to find a therapist who sees the whole eco-system.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-19812306345581487392007-01-23T11:22:00.000-06:002007-01-23T11:22:00.000-06:00Love that kitchen table knows the truth idea. Bri...Love that kitchen table knows the truth idea. Brilliant, BJ.therapydochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05088184676439578876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-59854729443254657182007-01-23T11:03:00.000-06:002007-01-23T11:03:00.000-06:00Dear Doc,
Sometimes it is just about learnin...Dear Doc,<br /> Sometimes it is just about learning the basic stuff. I've been reading, thinking, and hearing your stuff about enmeshed families...but somehow I didn't listen....I thought I was listening...but I was actually waiting for a DIFFERENT answer...so now I'm trying to accept what I have ....as is. It seems (if you share stuff) that every family has stuff in common with every other family....so insighs abound...if you see them. And clever insights are just more fun(Indexed). About kids...when my guys were young I discovered the existence of the Homework Dialect....(a subset of Kid Speak) An example goes like this- "Hey A--- do you have any homework?" A---"No". Translation= I left it at school. Or, "How's your math class?" A---"I don't know?" Translation= I think I'm failing. So we invented the Kitchen Table Rule. Sit down at the kitchen table and start something or your Dad/Mom will give you something to work on....The kitchen table knew the truth....sometimes school work was too hard to do alone....bjurstromhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04075698121876121820noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-82807324133791229612007-01-23T06:58:00.000-06:002007-01-23T06:58:00.000-06:00J- I'd want to hear about all of the variables, me...J- I'd want to hear about all of the variables, meaning what's the kid like, what's the kid want, how does the kid perceive that relationship, do the parents EVER show affection to one another and genuine respect, are they ALWAYS depressed, angry, or is the balance of family life okay. Is the negative emotion ever discussed and labeled as just that? I.e., I know I just hurt your mother's feelings, I hope she's okay. Or, Your father's angry, but that's the only kind of emotion he knows.<br /><br />Separating kids from parents messes with their emotions and thoughts and should be discussed openly. When that happens, when a child recognizes that indeed, his parents are better off NOT staying together, then it's easier and can be healing. There might still be very tough times, much resentment, etc. <br /><br />All that has to be talked about before it happens, preferably. The potential for missing Dad, the potential for missing Mom, the phone calls, the new step-parents, the reasons for the divorce (YES, kids DO understand them, it's parents who have trouble understanding them).<br /><br />So there's no one "right" answer for every family with dysfunction. <br />I'm of the opinion that every family has at least a little dysfunction. That's why everyone needs therapy. Why guess at it when you can find out what it is and how to take a stab at fixing it?therapydochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05088184676439578876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-37247629515368144692007-01-23T01:30:00.000-06:002007-01-23T01:30:00.000-06:00I was thinking about this on a long drive tonight,...I was thinking about this on a long drive tonight, and I started wondering about something you hear about frequently: parents who stay together "for the kids." Do you think it's worse for the parents to divorce (and maybe date and find a healthier relationship) or is it worse to continue to model a dysfunctional relationship that may be very strained, possibly verbally abusive, or what have you?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-9354836674266825252007-01-22T20:20:00.000-06:002007-01-22T20:20:00.000-06:00Right Lisa. People want rules about divorce, stat...Right Lisa. People want rules about divorce, statistics about what will happen to their kids, etc. Each family is different. Family therapists are helpful here in that we can explore what might happen and help prepare kids for possibilities.<br /><br />They like that.therapydochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05088184676439578876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-41197837251721949142007-01-22T19:49:00.000-06:002007-01-22T19:49:00.000-06:00Great post, and inspiring story. Kids are very re...Great post, and inspiring story. Kids are very resilient. I am a child of divorce and seeing how the divorce impacted each of us kids differently really taught me a few lessons. I really like that you bring the family into it, you can't help change anything if the family isn't on board.<br /><br />Here via the carnival of family life.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-76680024843878701472007-01-22T18:22:00.000-06:002007-01-22T18:22:00.000-06:00Aw thanks.Aw thanks.therapydochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05088184676439578876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-44064770066576979392007-01-22T17:29:00.000-06:002007-01-22T17:29:00.000-06:00You are so amazing I need to learn from you. Awes...You are so amazing I need to learn from you. Awesome post.socialworker/frustrated momhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10352262399235382201noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-47848018026981766092007-01-22T17:07:00.000-06:002007-01-22T17:07:00.000-06:00Y- Quickie response.
1. Having difficulty comm...Y- Quickie response. <br /><br />1. Having difficulty communicating with a spouse may have no bearing upon a parent's ability to communicate well with a child. <br /><br />I stay away from absolutes and certainly, assumptions.<br /><br />2. Father's doing just fine, needed someone in his immediate env (like HIS S-O) to reinforce the treatment objectives. This happened. Ellie was plenty assertive in my office, but your recommendation would be right on if that were not the case.<br /><br />3. When I talked to Ellie alone I was informed about the context. More importantly, since Mom and Grandmom wanted E. to succeed in school and knew Dad could help. They haven't sabataged his calls from the moment I started working with the family. <br /><br />The magic of family therapy is only magical if you have the confidence of everyone in the system. Otherwise it's much more work. In fact, most of the work is gaining that confidence, not so easy in our psycho-therapy, self-help glutted world.<br /><br />This kind of post is to get your wheels turning, and yours are great. Thanks for reading and adding to the dialogue with so much insight.therapydochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05088184676439578876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-34855958590254063002007-01-22T16:52:00.000-06:002007-01-22T16:52:00.000-06:00J- I'm missing this. maybe send me an email and c...J- I'm missing this. maybe send me an email and clarify, okay?therapydochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05088184676439578876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-58517323432600900892007-01-22T15:26:00.000-06:002007-01-22T15:26:00.000-06:00Another great post!!! Still, I fear that you are ...Another great post!!! Still, I fear that you are preaching to the choir. Parents who are struggling to communicate with a partner (spouse, significant other, etc) are probably not much good at communicating, period. And kids -- being the sponges that they are -- follow the parents' lead. <br /><br />As for Ellie, well, it sounds like her dad could use some therapeutic insight/encouragement. If he is bringing Ellie to therapy and making the effort to get her help he's already halfway there -- and it sounds like he would benefit from a little "instruction" that might help him communicate with Ellie. (Is it possible that there is something else going on? For example, are his calls "screened" by grandma or mom, who conveniently "forget" to let Ellie know that Dad called?)<br /><br />Finally, maybe Ellie would benefit from assertiveness in telling her father what she wants and needs from him -- similar to what she is asking from her teacher. Is there a way she can ask her father for what she wants from him (maybe in the safety of your office)? It gives her the chance to make it known what she wants from him, it gives him the chance to respond to her request, and if, ultimately, he can't follow through, then she knows that it really really is all about him. Same thing with "grandma" -- the heck with wasting time and money bringing grandma into therapy. Better to give little El the skills she will need to recognize what Grandma is doing and to protect herself from Grandma and others like her. Ellie will desperately need those insights when she gets a bit older and moves on to intimate adult relationships of her own.<br /><br />Divorce sucks. Bad family dynamics suck. That's why therapy thrives -- and I would give the Dad tons of credit for taking the initiative and letting his daughter know that help is out there and that it is OKAY to get help when you need it.<br /><br />Wow... longer than I intended. Sorry for hogging comment space -- you inspire me, doc!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-9378952185950566602007-01-22T15:04:00.000-06:002007-01-22T15:04:00.000-06:00I convinced myself that I convinced my parents tha...I convinced myself that I convinced my parents that my kindergarten teacher was a monster and that if they loved me they would never send me back to that school.<br /><br />They listened, but they apparently didn't love me. Lot of good talking does!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-84299159171246584492007-01-22T11:22:00.000-06:002007-01-22T11:22:00.000-06:00yup, it's hard, too, if they actually do talk. I ...yup, it's hard, too, if they actually do talk. I can remember one of my kids, the female of course, catching me not listening when she was about ten. She'd deliberately trip me up with dialogue like this: <br /><br />I got an A on my spelling test, and S. got a B, and oh, you know, it was interesting, like then that cow that we all saw at recess, hanging around, making friends, well, she just jumped way over the moon. Oh yeah. It was awesome.therapydochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05088184676439578876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-16403139066939444642007-01-22T10:46:00.000-06:002007-01-22T10:46:00.000-06:00Linda,
Excellent article! This should be required ...Linda,<br />Excellent article! This should be required reading for all parents. The conversations that you have with your child in the evening after school are critical to their mental/emotional well being!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com