tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post2698828082918080151..comments2024-03-14T03:16:23.482-05:00Comments on Everyone Needs Therapy: Shametherapydochttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05088184676439578876noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-29991223501324446362009-09-02T22:22:18.925-05:002009-09-02T22:22:18.925-05:00Uh, sorry. I have a tendency to tangent and/or bri...Uh, sorry. I have a tendency to tangent and/or bring up obscure connections without always remembering to tell people what the heck I'm talking about, and a bunch of random links is even worse. All the talk of shame and (in the comments) fear got me thinking about those listed posts and people sharing intimate things and...honestly...I can think of one connection (ironically, it's something I was going to share but decided against it), but surely there was another(?). Sorry, for this non-answer, but I'm going to have to chalk it up to my mind being numbed by 4 nights of 3-4 hours of sleep each and a 55-hour week of particularly taxing work. The bold thing...total tangent. I suppose I was a little excited and thought I'd share something I thought was cool with someone also interested in writing.<br /><br />So...<br />a) haven't considered it (generally I say what I mean, so I'm not just saying that to avoid the question)<br />b) not hardly!<br />c) as I mentioned, if anything, it's something I decided not to share! I don't remember you saying you were unable to finish a book either, merely that you were writing/considering writing one, like everyone (not me!).<br /><br />PS: Read up as I said. From an article on his site, makes me wonder why most people I know who have suffered or died from cancer are wonderful, strong people who love life and give of themselves constantly. I suppose one could argue the rest are holed up worrying so I've never met them. Okay, now THAT seems off-topic. I'll be quiet now.Emynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-23415676812974999202009-09-02T20:43:04.135-05:002009-09-02T20:43:04.135-05:00Yes, talked it out today. I'm relieved. Both w...Yes, talked it out today. I'm relieved. Both wanted to fix it, have that good fit thing going for us. Still it is a weird relationship, I'm not likely to adjust to that part of it. <br />thanks for listening :-)Ellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-14300835787224046092009-09-02T06:14:56.136-05:002009-09-02T06:14:56.136-05:00I went to the links and read through them, wondere...I went to the links and read through them, wondered (a) if you thought my writing not bold, (b) thought I didn't share enough of myself, and (c) worried I might be afraid of something, which is why I didn't post more often or couldn't finish a book, an oblique way of asking these questions.therapydochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05088184676439578876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-33168800321634045732009-09-01T23:59:46.268-05:002009-09-01T23:59:46.268-05:00I don't understand what you mean. Please expla...I don't understand what you mean. Please explain?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-15746158185785344382009-09-01T23:11:56.802-05:002009-09-01T23:11:56.802-05:00What do you guess I would say, in answering your q...What do you guess I would say, in answering your questions Em? Let's start there.therapydochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05088184676439578876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-22319493470305127032009-09-01T22:55:32.507-05:002009-09-01T22:55:32.507-05:00Great, instead of going to bed early I have to loo...Great, instead of going to bed early I have to look up Bernie Siegel. (I forgive you - I'm know I'll learn something interesting.)<br /><br />Now for something completely different, or not...<br /><br />Two posts from a professional blog I follow:<br />http://www.copyblogger.com/feel-great-naked/ <br />http://www.copyblogger.com/writers-block/<br /><br />Speaking of Copyblogger, you mentioned you were writing something other than a blog. As someone recovering from a 20-year science-based academic writing infection, the post below made a huge impact on me. I don't recall offhand you having this problem (I've shared this with my boss and coworker too so it's nothing to do with you personally), but 20 minutes later I had copy that was 2X better than my first version. The advice is obvious to me in retrospect and I already knew to limit qualifiers, but somehow it turned an afterthought into a different writing mindset. Now I just need to remember to employ it! http://www.copyblogger.com/qualified-and-respectful/<br /><br />Here ends my semi-shamelessly off-topic ramble.Emynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-34376420027926447992009-08-28T08:49:41.387-05:002009-08-28T08:49:41.387-05:00Hi Friends,
I’m not really missing in action, it j...Hi Friends,<br />I’m not really missing in action, it just feels that way. I'm working on working (prevention workshops, and have way too much going on). But it's all good.<br /><br />So many great thoughts above, don’t know where to begin.<br /><br />CAT, no question. People should be a little more sensitive. But they have their reasons. I always say, when someone embarrasses me, or upsets me, right there, right then and there I’ll say, “Don’t sweat it, don’t worry. I forgive you. We’re good.”<br /><br />WONDERING SOUL Not a parable, a true story. We have a whole section of our books dedicated to parable, and others dedicated to recording history. This story is in section two.<br /><br />BLOGNUT, that’s my issue with it, too, is that it is so narrow, shame, isn’t a systemic way of looking at things, only looks at one cause—you. <br /><br />TECHNOBABE, the guilt is there to help us think, me thinks, and just like any voice in our heads, our job is to see if it’s rational or not. And some kids, as you know and maybe are one, can be thoughtful and still expressive, so if guilt isn’t heavy handed, rather is another option (if you’d done it another way, then . .. ) it can be really good for us.<br /><br />RETRIEVER, you’re hysterical, seriously.<br /><br />GLIM, a good cry is a good thing.<br /><br />PORCINI, thanks so much. I try to take the sting out of things, it’s true. But you don’t see me running to the dentist, you know?<br /><br />MAHA, thanks so much. Every culture has something to teach about everything, I fell. <br /><br />LINROB, just that word, scent. Kills me. Thanks.<br /><br />ELLA, all this has to be talked out in therapy, right? Resolved? <br />Tell me it is.<br /><br />JIM, right on with that association. You’ve got it.<br /><br />JOSEPHINE, so nice to hear from you. I have to get over to your website soon!<br /><br />LYNETTE, there are really good online communities that you can talk to, also. Did you ever see Welcome to Oz? I’m not sure but I think it’s borderlinecentral.com, something like that.<br /><br />SANDY, thanks. Right on.<br /><br />JEW WISHES, thanks as always, will pop over soon.<br /><br />TSIP, it couldn’t have been fun.<br /><br />CHRIS, I love it when people get in touch with it physically. I know it feels bad, but it’s such an obvious thing, you know, helps you get it out by feeling it within. You know where it is, so you can focus on it, break it down, bit by bit. Bernie Siegel used to do this to cancer cells.therapydochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05088184676439578876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-88940862427983329922009-08-27T13:19:01.065-05:002009-08-27T13:19:01.065-05:00Thanks for this Doc. The perspective I've bee...Thanks for this Doc. The perspective I've been taking on this recently is that embarrassment is really just a sensation that comes up in my body -- for me it's a sinking feeling in my chest. When I see it that way without all the labeling and mental noise about how I should or shouldn't feel that way, it becomes easier to deal with.Chris Edgarhttp://www.purposepowercoaching.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-12514994793384830162009-08-27T12:43:05.382-05:002009-08-27T12:43:05.382-05:00Lynette - as the child of an alcoholic, let me ass...Lynette - as the child of an alcoholic, let me assure you:<br /><br />Other people's emotions are NOT your fault. EVER.<br /><br />This is the handle they use to shame us.<br /><br />Let the love and respect you feel for your son be enough of a substitute for the respect you owe yourself to make the right decision.Tzipporahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08807511259582331073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-42623176311007292302009-08-27T10:21:14.432-05:002009-08-27T10:21:14.432-05:00What a wonderful story, with a good message.What a wonderful story, with a good message.Jew Wisheshttp://jewwishes.wordpress.com/2009/08/27/jew-wishes-on-wednesday-writings-and-sepia-sunset/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-86383832425211593502009-08-26T22:30:15.151-05:002009-08-26T22:30:15.151-05:00I, too, love the story. I wish this message of du...I, too, love the story. I wish this message of duty to protect each other from embarrassment was taught widespread. It's a fine line at times, though. Being true to oneself and one's wishes versus saving someone the pain of embarrassment (refusing a social invitation, for example).blogbehavehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08965257446041012824noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-45275356212430469582009-08-26T21:52:30.885-05:002009-08-26T21:52:30.885-05:00it is a wonderful story, but i am not sure that it...it is a wonderful story, but i am not sure that it speaks to shame. to embarrassment, yes. but Shame, with a capital S? i am not sure.<br /><br />it took me five years with a new therapist to admit and talk about my husband's physical abuse of me that primarily occurred 10 years ago. i still cannot talk about it in full with my therapist, my psychiatrist, my marriage counselor, or my divorce support group. i send emails to the marriage counselor outside of our joint sessions about things that happen in between sessions that scare me, so that he has a record. <br /><br />i am so ashamed that i allowed my husband to do these things, to treat me this way, and that i have not yet ended my marriage. i am ashamed of the woman i am, that i would allow him to live here with me and be a father to my children (i use the word "father" loosely). i am ashamed to my core.<br /><br />and yet, there is a part of me that says HE should feel Shame. maybe he does, and that is why he does not ever feel sorry enough to want to change. he will not acknowledge he has a problem. he will not make the first step towards seeking help. he still says his anger is my fault. but i don't control his behavior -- he does. right?<br /><br />shame. very powerful. if i keep staying, then i can make like it is not so bad, and i won't feel so small.<br /><br />but he is starting to shame my son, our son. and that i cannot allow. at all. i am almost ready -- now i just have to give up Hope too.lynettehttp://lynetteb.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-35003093445129646752009-08-25T16:06:35.337-05:002009-08-25T16:06:35.337-05:00What a story of shame. Shame is very common in so ...What a story of shame. Shame is very common in so many ways. Sometimes shame is too much though for small things. It's all in the mind in the end.Josephine Pizarrohttp://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-26285999955813784772009-08-25T14:09:37.818-05:002009-08-25T14:09:37.818-05:00Shame seems to have much to do with the rules we c...Shame seems to have much to do with the rules we create for ourselves in our core belief systems. Personally, I've found that shame and guilt go hand and hand like strawberry and rhubarb in a pie, only not nearly as sweet. <br /><br />To get rid of the guilt, we have to consider how shame plays a role, and in what behavior or thinking. Also, is it ever appropriate to feel shame? Sometimes I wonder...Jim Valeri, LMHChttp://jimvaleri.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-66875755519857354362009-08-25T11:20:33.587-05:002009-08-25T11:20:33.587-05:00I'm guessing if my therapist makes me feel ash...I'm guessing if my therapist makes me feel ashamed, embarrassed, I should find a new one?<br />2 wk ago - Gave him Dr. Judith Herman's book, Trauma and Recovery. Asked him in email to read it with me, a book club. In email he accepted, very nicely, said he thinks it's what I need from my therapist. A few days later we met, at the start of the session I put my arms out to hug him, said welcome to the club. He scrambled, I backed off, laughed.<br />Yesterday he started our session by accusing me of giving him the book in order to get a hug. I was stunned, assured him it was not so. We got through some discussion of the first two chapters.<br /><br />Today I am horrified, ashamed, angry, embarrassed, and have no one to talk to about this. Not exactly on your topic, but feeling desperate. I gave him the book to make him a better, smarter therapist for me, to have a tiny understanding of my experience. Augh.Ellanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-34972804712080442692009-08-24T23:18:30.001-05:002009-08-24T23:18:30.001-05:00Shame.
It is worn like a scent that cannot be was...Shame.<br /><br />It is worn like a scent that cannot be washed or weakened. It is what bars eye contact and always, always ignites the fear of being seen -- exposed -- and as you point out, being found out.<br /><br />Amazing though, that the transgressions for which we punish ourselves never seem to exact the cost.<br /><br />Thank you for the post.<br /><br />Tough topic. Good story. Held my breath through it, though glad I need not have.cordeliadarwinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13370483145632040897noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-9785426766034305482009-08-24T22:04:25.215-05:002009-08-24T22:04:25.215-05:00I love your stories - they've got great lesson...I love your stories - they've got great lessons, and I learn something about the Jewish faith and history.Mahahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04860979377398925052noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-54969909604227496392009-08-24T21:38:32.616-05:002009-08-24T21:38:32.616-05:00When I saw the title - I was almost afraid to keep...When I saw the title - I was almost afraid to keep reading. Scary stuff, shame. As always, glad I DID read on. You managed, as you always do, to take something scary and hurtful and breathe a new light and life into it. I really admire your work!porcini66https://www.blogger.com/profile/00547909036887434734noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-39274460172042779282009-08-24T21:22:35.302-05:002009-08-24T21:22:35.302-05:00I'm going to cry now.I'm going to cry now.Glimmerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02085124664342701611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-51215528914018156872009-08-24T19:12:19.439-05:002009-08-24T19:12:19.439-05:00Love the story, and will quote from it, linking he...Love the story, and will quote from it, linking here...<br /><br />Shame the poisonous gift that keeps on giving after abuse or assault. What keeps people from telling, asking for help, or feeling like getting close to anyone afterwards...<br /><br />On a lighter note, I have occasionally found shame to be an effective tactic in DOG training. IN our family, the way to stop the spoiled rotten pooches from stealing or messing or destroying things was not to wack them but to deliver a speech upon catching them in the act:<br /><br />Yo, Proud Tarquin the THird Bounder of Fearless Marshes (our retrievers always had dumb names that were abandonned for poochie or sweetums on more loving occasions). WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?? (Dog stops stock still, quivers a little, looks around nervously...dog has NEVER been hit, but knows when owner is angry). "What is this disembowelled stuffed toy? I am SHOCKED! You SHAME your ancestors! Wickedness and sin! (dog is on floor curled up in a miserable ball). Go away from me, right now. GO! (dog scurries away to cushion under table and cowers)." <br /><br />THis works for dogs, but not children or spouses. I have occasionally tried it on the two latter, with bad results. For example, when telling an adolescent "If you go out in that tight shirt, you will bring SHAME on your family, looking as if you belong on 42nd St" they are liable to shoot right back "Well, MOm, you are always wondering how on earth to pay for college..."<br /><br />But seriously, with people, true shaming is crueller I think than most desperate acts by parents. One is thereby made to feel separate, not part of the human race, repulsive, alone.Retrieverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09036341287285545932noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-87027425232670214942009-08-24T16:56:02.265-05:002009-08-24T16:56:02.265-05:00Shame is an amazingly effective tool of parental d...Shame is an amazingly effective tool of parental discipline. Thing is that you end up with the most well-behaved kids on the block who grow up to be the least self-expressive adults on the block.jsshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02841951364803029201noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-4350537899018846592009-08-24T16:29:20.222-05:002009-08-24T16:29:20.222-05:00Being sensitive to other people's embarrassmen...Being sensitive to other people's embarrassment is kind and generous.<br /><br />Regarding, shame, I am still getting through the book on guilt and shame with my therapist and am learning so much. Indeed, as Blog nut said, shame is tied to self-worth.CiCihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08615265608675467505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-81260716604710195002009-08-24T16:15:33.327-05:002009-08-24T16:15:33.327-05:00Love the story - I'd have copped to the garlic...Love the story - I'd have copped to the garlic, too. But really? Just to get out of the class. <br /><br />And? I often take off my shoes at therapy. Now? I might have to rethink that.<br /><br />Lastly, I think shame is tied to self-worth; I'm finding that to be the case. (I'm late - and just reading the previous post, too.) Shame was used to control me, and I still don't have a handle on getting rid of it completely. I tied it to an illusion of control. Rather than admit that I was powerless about certain things that happened, it was easier to blame myself and be in control of at least that much. <br /><br />I don't know - that probably sounds a little ridiculous - but I think that is today's epiphany since I was supposed to be researching shame before tomorrow's therapy appointment where I will most likely keep my shoes on now. :)blognuthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01161713516407124717noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-62679923864575621852009-08-24T15:55:32.394-05:002009-08-24T15:55:32.394-05:00Wow.
That is some tale... Guaranteed to be a parab...Wow.<br />That is some tale... Guaranteed to be a parable though... Just 'too much goodness' to be human! (Cries the cynic within)!<br />You are spot on about shame... fear of rejection coupled with a fear of being known makes initmacy absolutely terrifying. I think self hatred comes into this somewhere... again, probably caused by the childhood shame you mention.<br />Thanks again for such an eloquent post. Your explanations of Jewish traditions always makes me chuckle. Not out of mockery you understand, but at the wry humour you drizzle over your writing.Wondering Soulhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09784587066558342905noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-81621441891329544692009-08-24T15:55:16.978-05:002009-08-24T15:55:16.978-05:00Wow.
That is some tale... Guaranteed to be a parab...Wow.<br />That is some tale... Guaranteed to be a parable though... Just 'too much goodness' to be human! (Cries the cynic within)!<br />You are spot on about shame... fear of rejection coupled with a fear of being known makes initmacy absolutely terrifying. I think self hatred comes into this somewhere... again, probably caused by the childhood shame you mention.<br />Thanks again for such an eloquent post. Your explanations of Jewish traditions always makes me chuckle. Not out of mockery you understand, but at the wry humour you drizzle over your writing.Wondering Soulhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09784587066558342905noreply@blogger.com