tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post6664119467783329730..comments2024-03-14T03:16:23.482-05:00Comments on Everyone Needs Therapy: Friendship Interruptustherapydochttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05088184676439578876noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-58704136123499400212009-05-24T09:57:23.325-05:002009-05-24T09:57:23.325-05:00To anon: I was absolutely overwhelmed and lost as ...To anon: I was absolutely overwhelmed and lost as a new mother, for a long time. I lost several friends because of it, they did not have children and could not understand what I was going through. They personalized my response to them, or my lack of reaching out.<br /><br />But several friends I had lost, or thought I had, returned to me. These were the mothers. No words about what had happened were exchanged. These mother-friends simply knew. Like you said, they gently came back to me on some kind of ocean current of understanding, love and support. I would not have made it without them. It was the most profound gift of my life.<br /><br />As for the husbands: No. 1 had no real friends, he depended on me for everything. I was too young to see that as a problem before we married. No. 2 (the Iowan) had good friends from babyhood! Like me. This was one of the things I understood as being absolutely necessary in a mate, no compromises. I had to learn this the hard way.Glimmerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02085124664342701611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-5567122490604314662009-05-23T23:50:12.008-05:002009-05-23T23:50:12.008-05:00I really admire people who hang onto their friends...I really admire people who hang onto their friends post-marriage (just after) because it's natural to dive into the first years of marriage with all of one's emotional energy. I haven't read anything about this, but it seems to me to be something like symbiosis with a newborn. <br /><br />That's why I encourage the friends left behind to be patient, seek out some new ones, and knock on the door occasionally.<br /><br />Married people can be more sensitive, too. Our spouses can and should encourage relationships with old friends. The gold, as we say.therapydochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05088184676439578876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-19163512491188135192009-05-23T23:17:08.554-05:002009-05-23T23:17:08.554-05:00Fantastic post. I'm a single young woman going thr...Fantastic post. I'm a single young woman going through rough patch with my now-married and pregnant college friends. Due to their new responsibilities, they hardly call or email me to ask about my life. <br /><br />As a single woman, I find female friendships essential to my mental health. Friendships keep me grounded and allow me to exercise trust, honesty, emotional intimacy. <br /><br />Although I've moved 6 times in 8 years due to career opportunities, I find it is my grammar-school friends who are more likely to make time for me---maybe it's because we're all from the same neighborhood block, cultural background, parents knew each other. These 2 girls are the ones who in spite of life demands, will always know my *true* self. <br /><br />I feel better knowing sometimes friendships are like the ebb-and-flow of ocean currents. Ultimately though, it's still up to an individual to recognize the value of friendships.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-91647659750241522352009-05-21T22:13:53.191-05:002009-05-21T22:13:53.191-05:00There's no way we've reached saturation. And that...There's no way we've reached saturation. And that's a great point.<br /><br />Actually, I just taught qualitative methods, and I'm thinking, let's flesh this one out to the max. <br /><br />In other words, anyone with a thought PLEASE chime in. Maybe we could publish something here. Do our own little qualitative study.therapydochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05088184676439578876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-84426602575496346812009-05-21T22:03:03.495-05:002009-05-21T22:03:03.495-05:00I know we're nearing the saturation point with thi...I know we're nearing the saturation point with this. But I just wanted to add that one problem with having Ames-style friends is you don't try as hard with new people.<br /><br />Maybe you (okay I) don't learn to be all that diplomatic and keep blurting out the blunt thing everyone is thinking, even in jest. And the cost is a new intimate who would enrich life. And that person misses out on a friend who would take a bullet for her and her children (figuratively at least). Loss on both sides.Glimmerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02085124664342701611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-16671005579016095542009-05-21T15:59:14.236-05:002009-05-21T15:59:14.236-05:00Great post about keeping and losing friends. I am ...Great post about keeping and losing friends. I am still in contact with a friend from grammar school. He was my college room mate as well. I've not kept in touch with many people but those in graduate school are still the ones that I can count on. I've lost a good friend because it was awkward with my wife being alcoholic. I got involved with Al-Anon and my wife with AA. It took time and the friendship foundered. I know that I can count on my Al-Anon group members. My sponsor is there for me whenever I need to talk. I think that recovery has broadened friendship and given it new meaning. I now appreciate the people in my life so much more.Sydhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05642843245634635843noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-41524198379475200922009-05-21T12:41:16.374-05:002009-05-21T12:41:16.374-05:00It did. I knew she had cancer, and I knew she was...It did. I knew she had cancer, and I knew she was sick, but when I last talked to her, she was still strong and vibrant. I am so very sad for her kids and for her husband and for myself. She is a wonderful person and we shared so many "over the back fence" conversations. We shared a lot of laughs. And I will never see her again - she is too sick now. All because I was too self absorbed to pick up the phone or skype her. Clicking on your blog made me realize that this is a HUGE character defect of mine, this propensity for friendship interruptus. Time to do something about it. Before I lose someone else.porcini66https://www.blogger.com/profile/00547909036887434734noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-15898906076070230312009-05-21T12:33:55.740-05:002009-05-21T12:33:55.740-05:00Before I read the rest I was going to comment, It'...Before I read the rest I was going to comment, It's a lot like me filing someone away as an "old" patient. As soon as I do, that person calls me. It happens randomly, but always spooks me.<br /><br />This one for sure spooked you, Porccini.therapydochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05088184676439578876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-46527294563388803642009-05-21T11:35:08.132-05:002009-05-21T11:35:08.132-05:00Imagine losing touch with someone you love. They ...Imagine losing touch with someone you love. They leave the country, you stay in touch for awhile and then slowly, life picks up speed and you each fill the void with the business of living. Time passes and you realize one day that "gee, I haven't talked to her in a very long time. I wonder how she is doing?". Trying to call, you realize you have lost the number. Probably moved by now anyway. It's okay, I'll look later. Later never comes. Once again, life ramps up speed and you get distracted by the day to day. Last night, I found her husband on facebook. He had just opened an account, so I messaged him. What drew me to look for them there? What made me do a search there of all places? Why last night? <br /><br />He praises the health care system overseas and then he says, "She's been fighting so hard. I think we are nearing the end now." Shit. Just SHIT. <br /><br />And that, my friends, is selfish and self-centered behavior for you. Get busy living or get busy dying. She was a dear friend and I will miss her.porcini66https://www.blogger.com/profile/00547909036887434734noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-26286416836945339532009-05-20T15:07:41.721-05:002009-05-20T15:07:41.721-05:00No, they love us when we're nuts. As long as we'r...No, they love us when we're nuts. As long as we're not TOO nuts. Just saying, in my case.therapydochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05088184676439578876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-67801011731265516102009-05-20T11:02:28.994-05:002009-05-20T11:02:28.994-05:00OH SO TRUE.
Sorry, it took me a couple days to ac...OH SO TRUE.<br /><br />Sorry, it took me a couple days to actually respond to this post! But I've had it 'saved' on Google Reader so that I would remember to do it!<br /><br />I moved around quite a bit as a kid and never had long term friendships until college. 10+ years later, I don't know how I'd do it without the fabulous women in my life! It was so ironic when I read this because I'd just been having a conversation with a friend who is struggling in a new relationship with a guy. She keeps trying to 'talk' to him and I keep tell her - HE'S A GUY! That's why you have GIRLfriends!<br /><br />Also, I struggled with depression for years and the isolation was both a cause and effect of it. The day I started really healing was the day I called all my best friends and told them exactly what I was going through. I was sure they wouldn't understand and walk away - not a single one did. <br /><br />Amazing.Rachie317https://www.blogger.com/profile/14646338773104987972noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-21948928324480034852009-05-19T21:50:29.486-05:002009-05-19T21:50:29.486-05:00I make it a habit to keep those connections I had ...I make it a habit to keep those connections I had with friends in middle school, high school, even pre-school! (Going out with our neighbors from the age of 0-5 next weekend even) I think it is important to remind you the foundation of trust and relationships that you came from, as well as those blasts from the past. You learn to be a different kind of friend with those people.. through the teenage angst, now to getting married and having babies. It's an awesome transition to make!Lisahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05952500756645034418noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-50222025532945879112009-05-19T21:42:00.988-05:002009-05-19T21:42:00.988-05:00Thanks Marie, Mean.
No, I haven't read that, but ...Thanks Marie, Mean.<br /><br />No, I haven't read that, but I loved Belle Canto, her book about the opera. I'll try to get the article. Makes sense to me!therapydochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05088184676439578876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-84299095207862794072009-05-19T19:43:32.619-05:002009-05-19T19:43:32.619-05:00Eleven seems like a lot. Two, three, four makes m...Eleven seems like a lot. Two, three, four makes more sense to me. But I enjoyed the article.<br /><br />Have you read Ann Patchett's essay "Friendship Envy" from the NYTimes a few years back? Easy to find with Google. It's about watching "Sex and the City" and the idea that the central fantasy of the show is not about sex, but about having lots and lots of time to spend with friends.Meansomethinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10063386254235591342noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-56194831723087440892009-05-19T19:38:41.726-05:002009-05-19T19:38:41.726-05:00Hi, therapydoc -
What a great post . . . this wee...Hi, therapydoc -<br /><br />What a great post . . . this week has been a "reconnect with old friends" week for me. Not on purpose, it just happened. But I treasure my closest friends -- and they are women, of course.<br /><br />When things got choppy with my therapist (I was wondering if it was me or him who was whacked in the head), I was able to turn to my female friends. They spoke the truth to me (it's you, girlfriend, not him) and got me straightened out. What a blessing.<br /><br />Then, when I got my stuff cleaned up and it became about his stuff, my girlfriends ragged on him, on my behalf. Cool.<br /><br />Anyway, I've been blessed with a very best friend from college . . . 23+ years she has been my sister-in-love. If ever I needed to define a "soulmate", it would be her. Really cool.<br /><br />Later!<br />- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)<br />http://mmaaggnnaa.wordpress.com/Mariehttp://mmaaggnnaa.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-54940056182729404412009-05-19T12:41:00.000-05:002009-05-19T12:41:00.000-05:00MY DEN - MY REMOTE. in the basement, the kids can ...MY DEN - MY REMOTE. in the basement, the kids can fight over the remote. <br /><br />i do though lose to my wife when she wants the computer, or to watch stupid summer olympics gymnastics...arggghhhshaya gnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-73999974142288595762009-05-19T12:37:00.000-05:002009-05-19T12:37:00.000-05:00Z, thanks.
That the majority of women really w...Z, thanks. <br /><br />That the majority of women really want and have these close relationships and maintain them outside of the family is anyone's guess. <br /><br />We know that within the family there can be extremely close, loving, healing relationships between mothers and daughters, sisters and sisters, and fathers and daughters, brothers and sisters, too. <br /><br />Do we want friends? <br /><br />Who knows?<br /><br />Anyone out there seen any data?therapydochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05088184676439578876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-40112816554808662082009-05-19T12:28:00.000-05:002009-05-19T12:28:00.000-05:00This post is really relevant to my life right now,...This post is really relevant to my life right now, thanks for posting it! I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional family, it still is today, which is why I could never fully trust anyone or invite them home, as you suggest happens...but about this article, is it just me or does it reinforce stereotypes of female bonding? I also think it's natural that people often outgrow each other...or maybe this is own justifications coming into the equation. Great post nonetheless!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-27567938370139392382009-05-19T11:47:00.000-05:002009-05-19T11:47:00.000-05:00Well of course, Shaya, you're Jewish, and have be...Well of course, Shaya, you're Jewish, and have been hypnotized since birth, but not everyone has been exposed to this way of thinking.<br /><br />Don't the kids fight for the remote?therapydochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05088184676439578876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-29938879638108792282009-05-19T11:38:00.000-05:002009-05-19T11:38:00.000-05:00"that women, as a group, are truly superior in fun..."that women, as a group, are truly superior in fundamental ways"<br /><br />what comments are you afraid of? My wife and mom have been saying this for years. then I just go into my den and turn on a very loud action movie and prove them right......shaya gnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-27012845222137472922009-05-19T09:26:00.000-05:002009-05-19T09:26:00.000-05:00Face. Book.
Yes, the site is like crack. But it...Face. Book. <br /><br />Yes, the site is like crack. But it's great for finding old friends as well. <br /><br />I'm just saying....Tanyahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16310224569736431703noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-13586952151226356612009-05-19T06:14:00.000-05:002009-05-19T06:14:00.000-05:00JJ, I once had a good friend who told me she had ...JJ, I once had a good friend who told me she had sold the house and was leaving town (this was pre-internet). <br /><br />I said, Nice knowin' ya'. <br /><br />She was so hurt. In my heart I felt like, how can I possibly keep up this relationship? I basically don't talk to anyone during the week, I see this person on my day off. It's not likely I'll pick up the phone. <br /><br />And I was used to cut-offs, it's something you start to take for granted.<br /><br />The irony is that we're still close, we do email and call. But you wouldn't have convinced me of that at the time, and I had to lie (at the time) and say, Not to worry, we'll still stay close.<br /><br />Thanks for the "privilege" perspective. That'll teach 'em to judge.therapydochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05088184676439578876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-41395223426570750362009-05-18T20:11:00.000-05:002009-05-18T20:11:00.000-05:00My mom has her own little Ames-girl-esque group of...My mom has her own little Ames-girl-esque group of five women (now almost 60) who have been friends since kindergarten. <br /><br />For me, mobility has been a huge obstacle to friendships. Boarding school, summer camp, college, 2 semesters abroad (in different places), parents moving, new state after college, grad school, new state after grad school, working in a different town than I live... so this is a list of privilege, right? Wonderful privileges... I have friends all around the world. And yet, it is the antithesis of being able to maintain deep, abiding, LOCAL friendships.Jackiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17472517428832152273noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-695027883878270722009-05-18T19:43:00.000-05:002009-05-18T19:43:00.000-05:00Thanks, Lou, for the new and so much better spin o...Thanks, Lou, for the new and so much better spin on moving around as a kid.<br /><br />And PAM, wow. As soon as I heard about MeetUp I fell in love with the concept and recommend it all the time. <br /><br />Like knitting? There's a group.<br />Boxing? A group.<br />Movies? A group.<br />Hip hop? A group.<br />Halibut? Probably a group.therapydochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05088184676439578876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27072566.post-15885716581158790982009-05-18T19:37:00.000-05:002009-05-18T19:37:00.000-05:00After getting out of a marriage that was so dysfun...After getting out of a marriage that was so dysfunctional I was afraid to make friends because it would mean I'd have to explain myself and my situation too much, I finally decided to put an emphasis on finding more female friends. (I usually tend to have guy friends.)<br />I'm a knitter and found and joined a local group of knitters on meetup.com about 18 months ago. We range in age from early 20s to 60s (or more? I'm in the middle of that range.) Making time in my week to go sit, knit, chat and have a coffee is one of the best things I think I do for myself. It is so low stress and so much fun.<br />Sometimes my partner gets a little jealous because he wishes he had a group of friends like that, but maybe guys really don't socialize like that.<br />Anyway, I'm thrilled to read studies and research that back up what I already knew anyway-- it's not just fun to have friends; it's important.Pamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10532999431313258426noreply@blogger.com