Breaking up

It's hard to do, like the song says.

But there's an original thought on the subject. I think it's mine, okay, but the way I'll teach it is inspired by Indexed. If it's somewhere in her blog, please forgive me Jessica and someone scream at me and I'll take this down immediately. I haven't read very much over there. She's a new find. I'll ingest it all in time.

Let's say it's a woman who has broken up with a man. She knows he's not good for her. Say they're married a few years and the part that isn't good is ascendant and will clearly continue to ascend.

She tells him, "It's over."

He says, "Suit yourself." He takes it like a man. He IS a man and she LOVES this man. She loves very much of this man. She just can't take certain really difficult traits, problems, drama. And they're not going to get any better.

He cooperates with her. They file for divorce. He lets her idle awhile. She's learning to live alone. Her family and friends are supporting her. Even her work is more exciting lately. She comes to see me and she's thinking, This will be okay.

But he knows her so well. He starts with an occasional text message, then the phone calls when he knows she'll answer, and finally, the big, plaintive, I'm not WITH anyone. You're in my heart. I love you. I've always loved you.

But he doesn't say, Take me back. Don't let me go. She takes it, correctly, that he's not going to make this divorce emotionally easy. If he hurts, she should, too.

Remember, SHE can be a HE, or they can both be HEs, both be SHEs.

But assuming our patient is female then it's a problem for her that he, because we're making him a he, didn't work for her. He didn't extend himself very much to keep her. She's bothered by that.

But really? She's more bothered that there's a part of her that can't simply let him go. She says it defeatedly. As if the job of letting him go is the goal.

Does it have to happen overnight? Does it have to happen at all?

I say, "Well, you can't let ALL of him go. Why would you want to throw all of it away. You get to keep the good. You should always think about, remember, hold onto all of the good. . .forever. Didn't you earn the feel-good?"

Then because she's a math person and because I've thought in set theory since 6th grade, I add the following picture.
Is that so terrible, I ask, to hold onto that little football, the piece inside of you that represents him? You aren't him. He isn't you. You're very different, complicated people, who share an approximate 8% intersection at best. Can't you just own that? To myself I'm thinking, there's not much choice, in any case. Too many snapshots. Too many body memories.

But is it therapeutically necessary to make oneself lose the other, perhaps it is for sake of the next relationship?

I think not. Absolutely not. She, certainly, will continue to grow. Her circle of self will get bigger and bigger. And that slice of him that she cherishes will seem smaller and smaller over time.

She won't forget the good or the bad very soon, anyhow. Why not focus on the good? It's not quicksand, not really. A person might initially get caught into remorse, the seller's remorse. But it's pretty easy to remember all those reasons for leaving. Try forgetting those. Good luck.

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