Friday, March 19, 2010
Sandra and Jesse
I know I shouldn't, don't have time, but I have to throw my two cents in here.
Every morning, Monday through Friday, although some weeks more than others, I watch the morning news. Local, national, international. I can't help it. I like seeing people moving on teev while easing into the day with my morning coffee.
And all week long, nothing but talk of Sandra Bullock and Jesse James. Remember that spread in People, had to be over a year ago? How happy they were?
Since her recovery movie, 28 Days, I've been a fan of Ms. Bullock. And as a fan, it hurts to hear that Mr. James cheated on her. She deserves better. She didn't cheat on him.
We hear it's ego, you know. The spouses of several "best actresses" in recent years have cheated on their starlet wives, seeking to beef up deflated egos. Jesse James (gotta love that name) isn't the first spouse of an Oscar winner, and he won't be the last, to feel threatened by a woman's power, popularity, fame, and beauty. The girl, if she's the best, will be in demand.
Best actresses have egos, too, which can be a problem. Everyone loves them, they feel their guy does, why wouldn't he? The doc tells us that stars should worry about this, that their men have egos and these egos will demand attention. If she's on a shoot for eleven months, someone will fill in the emptiness. This is what it's about, ego and power, and now we're hearing, loneliness, chaval (rhymes with duh-doll, Hebrew meaning a shame).
The family therapy take? Cheating is transgenerational, at least it can be. Your dad shows you the notches on his belt, gives you permission. Alternatively, if he says, "That's not what we do," you listen, usually. Not always, of course, but some do. The psychological dope on cheating is that it's some form of passive-aggression, anger, some sense of deserving. The affair is usually never as good, by the way, the sex is not as good, as it is at home.
The most important variable, the one not spoken, is commitment. It's when the commitment is gone, or when the commitment was never there, that at least one of the two partners is vulnerable to extracurricular activity, regardless of sexual identification. This is why, when you do that initial assessment, commitment is the first thing you talk about with a couple, along with that transgenerational stuff.
And you do it in individual visits, too, not when they're together all cozy on the sofa.
The good news is that a person can re-commit at any time. Those re-commitment ceremonies are cheaper than divorce and everyone loves them. You get presents.
But yeah, she'll take that grudge to the grave, honey. You can count on it. Famous or not.