Must Everything Be Said? Unsolicited Criticism

 Must Everything Be Said? Unsolicited Criticism

Of course not, we all know that. 

This one should come after the post on Asking Personal Questions, but life got in the way. 

The Proverbial Knife to the Heart

When we have what we think is an intimate, close relationship and it isn't based on anything except shared background, let's just say we're talking about extended family, we might feel that the boundary that ordinarily gives us pause isn't there, that it doesn’t need to be.

But if you tear down a fence you’re likely to trespass.

 

We're thinking: family. This is how families interact. They simply say what they think to one another. But really, that isn’t how healthy families interact. In a healthy family members are careful about what we say to one another, and how they say it. That may seem obvious to some, but if it were that obvious family therapists would be out of work. 

 

The most common violence id domestic. It occurs in the family. It is filed under Domestic Abuse in the therapydoc dictionary. 

Because cousins, let's just say, have known one another since childhood, because some of their more interesting adventures started in one another's homes on Sundays or on Thanksgivings, there can be a sense that what happened then, who we happened to be then, is open to discussion, as if it still represents who we are today. 

Cousins are in on secrets. They have proprietary knowledge. Nobody can shame us like our family. It is one of the reasons so many families 'break up.' 

I have a cousin who had a very close relationship with his mother. His mother had a close relationship with my mother. My mother confided in my aunt and my aunt surely shared her secrets, many of them, with my cousin. 

Would we call that enmeshment, even emotional incest?

I would. 

But more to the point, does this mean my cousin thinks he knows me? He knows what makes me tick? I think it does. He behaves this way, seems to feel he has the right to be honest with me, to tell me  what he thinks about, say, a personal choice I have made, maybe how I dress. 

We would call that unsolicited criticism. Who wants that? 

 

No one wants that. 

 

So, have I told him off when it has happened, when I have born the brunt of too much honesty? 

 

I have not. I don’t feel close enough. I’m afraid it might hurt his feelings. He definitely doesn't see his criticism as inappropriate. How do I tell him it is? Well, I could just say: I don't think I asked for your opinion. That's a good line. 

Looking into why I can totally coach other people in these situations, yet can't take my own advice, I have to do some soul searching. 

I think: 

(1) It might impact the future of our relationship and there aren’t too many of us first cousins. But actually there are. 

(2) I’m a conflict avoider in general, prefer him to think we are close, brother and sister. It is what our parents would have wanted. It is what WE want.

(3) When the time is right maybe I will tell him I don’t appreciate his opinions when they are negative. But I don't want to pick the wrong time. The wrong time is when a person is still upset about something. That's not the right time to have an intellectual conversation. 

(4) I׳m codependent. A people pleaser. Need to  be liked. He won't like me if I make a big deal about 'nothing.' Maybe. 

But I have to think about my mother and what she would say (my cousin also thinks he 'gets' my mother, but he doesn’t. My mother would use an expression, Shalom bayit, keep the peace in the home, in the family. She loved peace. It’s cheap, you know. All you have to do is keep your mouth shut. 

 

Plus I know that one day I’ll find a good place for the conversation. It will happen. 

 

We could stop right here and say that the moral of the story is that pseudo-intimacy, not rocking the boat to sustain a relationship, no matter how many years you have had a particular relationship, is good. Or at least not the worst thing. 

BUT THE BETTER SOLUTION TO THIS PROBLEM OF UNSOLICITED ADVICE/CRITICISM IS AS FOLLOWS

What I should do is what I tall patients to do. This is what you do, friends, when someone hurts your feelings.

 

a) You pretend that they just stuck a knife into your heart. (It's on the left side of your chest.

b) Then you wince and dramatically grab the imaginary knife in your right fist. You take great pains to pull it out of your heart, your right arm making a very wide arc, a broad stroke until your fist is horizontal to your body. 

c) Then you drop the knife to the ground. 

d) THEN you fall down and pretend to be dead, eyes closed. 

e) You open one eye and say, 'Ya got me. That hurt.'

 

Should have done that! Something tells me I'll get another chance.

 

therapydoc