Borderline Personality Disorder and The Fake

Originally I just wanted to tell the story about the stand underneath my fish tank, how I found it at Bed Bath and Beyond while shopping for a gift for a shower (yes, I had the coupon), shlepped it to the office myself, borrowed a screwdriver, for mine is never where it's supposed to be, and put it together in little under two hours. Of course I knew the secret about the cam screws. Put them in, tighten them up, last.

I see this sort of behavior as fairly normal, if a little impulsive, sure, because ordinarily I'd ask FD to put it together for me. But doing something physical and challenging is a nice way to distract a person from thinking, and sometimes we just think too much. So I'm always telling people to do something. You feel better if you can distract.

And the computer desk that supported the tank just didn't cut it.

Then I found myself talking about Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD. This disorder is very much about impulsivity, which substantiates the rule that things that are thought to be pathological can be perfectly normal in a different context.

Impulsively buying a bookcase that matches your furniture, even if it weighs more than you do, and putting it together yourself, even if your best tools are a hole puncher and a nail file, beats impulsively getting drunk to feel less edgy (a "borderline" thing to do), impulsively cutting one's self (another "borderline" thing to do), or impulsively whacking someone across the face because you're jealous or in a bad mood. You get the idea.

And if the impulsive act also functions to build your self-esteem, as opposed to, say, lowering it, then it's a good thing to be impulsive, right?

But people who suffer from BPD have a helluva time trying to reign in their impulsivity, and the folks who try to love them, who want to help them, get worn out by the drama.

It's easy enough to start to write something, quite another to finish, and that's what happened to this post. Then then something cool happened. Retriever wrote to me to ask what I thought about something going on at Dr. Helen's Blog and Dr. Bliss's blog over at Maggie's Farm. Both docs are writing about BPD, and lo and behold, Doc Helen has a video interview with my new favorite self-help guru, Randi Kreger.

Randi Kreger (Walking on Eggshells) has a fairly new book, The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. I read it cover to cover in a night only a few weeks ago, found it a terrific resource, funny, easy to read, and full of information that everyone should know. Especially if you have someone in your family who is "impossible", who can't regulate his or her emotions, who acts impulsively to dampen heightened negative arousal, like anger.

And she has a great section called Tools in the back of the book.

I'll throw one at you right now, a favorite I've suggested many times to people in therapy. Randi would call this intervention an incompatible behavior. I've always called it The Fake.

The idea is that a person can't be obsessing and angry about something if something else is a more attractive option. It's no different than distracting a whining three year old with a shiny yo-yo. All of a sudden the icecream he wants isn't important anymore.

With kids it's always,

Outsmart them. You're older. You can do it.

With older people who simply can't let something go, who are stuck on abusing you or raging about something or someone, who really will not stop to listen to anyone else's point of view or entertain other positions, it has to be,

Did you hear the one about. . .

Or

Did you hear what happened to So and So?

Good gossip is sheer genius. Gets 'em every time.*

My favorite fake is laughter. You laughing at your tormentor.

This person is tormenting you, criticizing you, ranting, and you break into hysterics, literal belly-bending, on the floor, doubled over with laughter hysterics. You do it respectfully, though, for you are complimenting the person who is clearly trying to upset you. But now the abuser sees himself, herself, as a good person, someone who can make you laugh, not just laugh, but laugh hard, and that fleeting self-esteem returns with your praise. Now we're all comedians, should work stand-up.

If you throw someone off like this, anger and blame are impossible.

And the truth is, most people with this disorder are smart, and they can really be very funny.

Traditionally with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder, once they're flying, meaning angry, there's no stopping them. The anger is a manifestation of pain. If you can't see that, then there's no helping your spouse, your child, your friend, your mother, whoever it is who is unable to regulate emotion. When the plate needs shattering, it will shatter. When they need love, they'll find someone to sleep with. When a car needs to be keyed, it will be keyed.

When it's all over, it's What's for Dinner? As if nothing happened. So in therapy we're forever working on strategies that will work, that will distract, end an episode.

If you think of this as an episode of true psychopathology and pain, then it's a lot easier to swallow the negative behavior.

And you have to see them as capable of seeing life differently, seeing themselves as their greatest allies, capable of rational, laudable behavior. Good lives.

I work dialectically with suicidal, self-destructive people who have BPD , for you have to do this, dialogue in an empathic way, one that reaches them, meets that place in the ego that wants to live. Typical questions from me include:

(1) Would you want your niece to cut herself? No? Then why are you setting an example? You think she doesn't respect you, look to you as a role model?

(2) Do people deserve to have quality lives?

(3) Aren't you a person?

People tend to agree. They deserve better. They are capable of better. They want more out of life. They want quality lives.

Then the question becomes how to get it.

And it isn't an impossible quest, an impossible, reprehensible therapy. I've referred to ACT, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy here in this blog, and it helps to know DBT, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, and Schema Therapy. There is progress and people do get better, so I'm a little miffed, frankly, at all the negativity I read on the Internet about BPD, avoiding BPD patients.

Yes, people can be difficult. They can be high maintenance, and yes, group therapy surely helps, and for sure, without a team it is so, so hard to work a successful therapy. I get it that people with Borderline Personality Disorder can be more than difficult, that they can and will make your life a living hell without help. And yes, therapists try to avoid treating the disorder, need help for ourselves to cope with all the drama.

But with help? With time? (lots of this, endurance is the essence)

There's no greater therapy, no greater pleasure, no greater success than helping someone with this disorder get well.

That's all I'm gonna' say. I have some algae to scrape off my tank here at home, and spilled some sugar behind a cabinet. There's a lot to do, basically.

therapydoc

*Okay, not every time. Go ahead, talk about it.
See the Second Road on Self-Pity.
Other posts by me about BPD

Your Worst Nightmare

Some of you who have read old posts might remember that I have had recurrent home invader dreams once or twice a year for as far back as I can remember. Always the same thing. Some big, unshaven, muscle-bound criminal-looking type, sometimes more than one, pushing against the front door to my family home. Me alone, pushing to keep it closed from the inside, trying to keep him out.

Poor FD. I always lost the struggle and woke him up.

Then, for no apparent reason, they stopped. The nightmares just stopped.

As much as I like doing anger management with people, there’s anger management and there’s anger management. I generally don't work with people who are court-ordered, very few hardened criminals. An occasional sex offender, is all.

And if a patient has a psychosis that is disinhibiting, or is ruled by voices in his head and doesn't like the medicine they tell him to take, it's likely I'll punt him along to someone who likes this kind of challenge. An ER doc, even. I won't be discussing identity or teaching any muscle tension and breathing.

Most people who have anger problems aren’t in it to hurt anyone. They’re just poor emotional regulators, and tend to have trouble with very strong emotions. We all have them, you know, strong emotions. And they can make some of us feel like hurting ourselves, or hurting someone else.

Even telling someone off reduces tension, sarcasm, too. People who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder are particularly vulnerable to this solution, hurting themselves, hurting others, in any kind of way, and we see this disorder present quite often in therapy. We’re getting better at helping people with BPD, and in the process, recognize how difficult it can be, emotional regulation.

Therapists have weeks in which this is all we work on, above all else, it seems, emotional regulation, behavioral blunting. Stop signs.

I think it's what makes this a dangerous profession, that which Freud called id, the very human drive for aggression. We’re not an endangered species, but therapists are at risk for harm.

And we take in a lot of verbal abuse. We either don't take it, won't see a verbally violent individual, or learn to address it dialectically.

"You can get away with talking to me that way," I will tell a patient, "but it won't make you popular at parties."

Some of us get good at this kind of challenge, even welcome it, say, bring it on, even, to change the behavior. We won't debate facts, won't get into it like they want us to, just talk about quality of life.

"Is this what you want to do, put other people down, yell and scream and distance people from you? Or would you rather try to get a tennis date?"

That's DBT, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, changing the meaning of a person's behavior. Some people do it naturally. We call them masters of the paradox. But ultimately what it is, is getting through. If a therapist never learns how to do this, get through, then there will be no therapy, no changing anyone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder.

Very occasionally, for it has to happen if you work with people, a therapist will encounter someone in the throes of a psychotic episode. That person might be on the brink of hurting himself or others, might be paranoid or psychotically depressed, or flying manically, not in control of thoughts or behaviors. Out of reality times three might be an apt description, unaware of person-place-time. And this can get violent. People do get killed.

I've been lucky. My only encounter with one of these individuals who actually lost it with me was with a psychotic ten-year old. Never saw him before, but you don’t easily forget the brute strength of a psychotic ten-year old throwing table lamps. Not that I was really at risk. Truth be told, I’m pretty strong when my adrenaline's pumping. FD doesn't sneak up on me anymore.

So yesterday, I’m working with a kid on anger problems, no less, and we’re talking about how it's worse when you don't have parents who want to help with this thing we call emotional management. At least her parents are into the process, we agree, want to learn about it themselves. We finish and she goes out to the waiting room. Her mother takes her place. Mom and I are talking about how in her family there were eight kids and her mother, like her, couldn't control the aggression between her many siblings, and how powerless she feels when everyone totally ignores her efforts at Time Out. Can you imagine that? Time Out doesn't always work. When suddenly . . .

We hear banging on the sliding door of my office (the door for my bike, not people). I jump up and open the usual other door, the one with a handle. I see her. She’s my height, my build, in dirty jeans and a man’s shirt, tennis shoes. I don’t know her, but I know psychosis when I see it, glaring at me with fury. She scowls at me as if I'm dirt, snarls loudly,

“You a doctor?”

I’m sure I blanch. But she's not well, I get my cap on (the therapy cap) and respond in the most quiet, gentle, compassionate voice I can muster, a clinical voice.

“What can I do to help you?”

She pulls up her shirt sleeve, rips off a flimsy Bandaid to show me a freshly wounded, bloody forearm. The blood has already dried, doesn't seem to need any stitches. “You can fix this!”

Now I’ll be honest. I don’t want blood on my carpet, so I’m getting nervous. And I don’t want to turn to my desk to call the police, because I’m afraid that if I turn my back on her she’ll attack me from behind. She’s flying. This is anger. That other stuff we talk about is frustration, powerlessness, aggravation, the other words.

“Oh, that needs a doctor’s attention," I suggest, concerned. "I think we have a doctor downstairs.”

She furrows the brow, lowers an eyelid, then backs out of my office slowly, never taking her eyes off of me, like a bank robber in the Wild West holding a gun to the people in the saloon. The crazy part of this is that if I had to pick her out of a line-up, I’m not sure I could. I'm not thinking, look for birthmarks, eye color.

She’s backing out to the waiting room from my suite, past the door that should never have been left unlocked. I follow her. She points down stairs. “Down there?” she asks skeptically. "There's a doctor down there?"

“Uh, huh,” I reply gently. “Down there.”

My patient is in the waiting room now, too, has followed me out and is with her daughter. "It's okay," I tell them. "Please come back into my office. I'm pretty sure nobody's working downstairs today." They join me and I lock the outer door to the suite after them. Inside we process what happened, they hadn't felt threatened, particularly, didn't realize what was going on.

They're my last patients of the day. I lock up after them. Locked doors make me happy, the one time I forget to lock up, this happens.

I realize I hadn't called 911. Should have called the police.

Moments later, calm, I hear a loud bang on the door to the suite. I shiver, ignore it.

Then the phone rings. It’s my patient. “You have to see this,” she insists, breathless. “You have to come outside and see this.”

"Was that you banging?"

"Uh, huh."

Okay, okay.

Out on the street, about a half block away, three big policemen are working to subdue her. They’re having trouble, too. Arms and legs are flailing.

I feel absolutely terrible, as if I could have talked her into waiting for them, convinced her to surrender peacefully. She would have had a free ride to the ER for her wrist. Instead it seems likely that someone hit a panic button. And she’s treated as a savage.

My patients are spellbound. “How did you know?” the mother asks me. “How did you know she was crazy?”

“I never used that word,” I object. “I said she has a mental illness, isn’t a well person.”

“But how did you know,” she insists that I tell her, “that she was dangerous?”

“You just know, is all.”

therapydoc

FYO, all of the details of the story have been changed to make it fiction. But I think you get the gist of it. The truth is, truth is better than fiction, but sometimes you go with fiction.