Externalizing

Triangling gets a bad wrap, and blame certainly does, too, in couples therapy. But sometimes externalizing the blame works nicely and can keep people together. If it's about either one of you it's going to go south pretty quick.

This is a lot like scapegoating, which also gets a bad rap, but shouldn't always. If you can scapegoat a nebulous, vague object, if you can blame it, or them, or they, then you can get your anger out and nobody gets hurt. Externalize the problem. Get it out of the marriage, the bedroom.

Let's take a made-up example, but there are so many real ones that are similar, you'll relate.

Say you're at the airport waiting for your partner to pick you up.  You call and call and the line is busy, or he's just not picking up.  You're getting angrier and angrier.  Your plane landed early.  You want to go home.

He finally arrives and you go off on him.  "Why did you tie up the phone?  Why didn't you check your text messages?  I couldn't reach you?!!" 

No, "Hello, honey.  So glad to see you.  I missed you."
No hugs and kisses.
Neither of you feels the love.

Much better to blame the phone company, or technology in general, or how dependent we are on technology. Much better to say, "Honey I'm so glad I'm home, but I HATE the phone company. Obviously you didn't get my texts or my voice messages. I'm switching to . . .I just HATE them!"

This feels really good, to hate them sometimes. The company we all love to hate. You have effectively triangled out the phone company. And it's about time someone did.

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