The Casual Relationship and Code

We've talked about code, haven't we?

Only usually when I tell people about code, I'm telling a committed couple to talk in code so that they're not overtly saying something crude and off-putting like, I'm really kind of frisky so if you don't mind, would you please take off all of your clothes right now?

For some people that might be sexy, but not if one of those people has two X chromosomes.

Thus I've suggested that the person with the Y chromosome use an overture that is more mysterious and romantic, such as, I have something for you and I want to show it to you. Come with me to the bedroom.

(If both individuals have Y chromosomes then adjust accordingly.)

But that, too, might be a little too obvious, I want to show you something. Perhaps, Let's take a nap is better. No matter what the time of day.

I thought I knew most code, but recently I learned a new one and thought to myself, Wow. I'd better tell my readers about this. What if they don't know? It's the

casual relationship

This is code for sexual relationship. Whenever two people are up for it they have a casual relationship. They think this way: We're both adults. We know our bodies. We're not ready for commitment. So every week or so, we hook up.

Which is fine unless the definition is applied at what might feel like the end of the relationship, not the beginning.

Oh. In the beginning . . .

It was romantic, it was hot and heavy. Calls every day. Vacations together. Long talks into the night about philosophy, life, children, work, relationships, and childhood pranks.

Then six months later she (usually it's a she, unless this is a double Y couple) notices a certain distance, lack of interest, and surely there's less time spent together, fewer calls, no momentum. She mentions it to him and he says, No, nothing wrong! This is great. There's no problem, dear. We're good.

But it does feel emotionally distant. He forgets to take her to his grandmother's birthday party, even though he'd mentioned it once before. In the beginning it was, Oh, man! I can't wait for you to meet my parents! They're going to love you! And they do, they do love her. They send her affectionate thank you notes for little gifts she's dropped by at family barbecues, holidays. She feels IN. She thinks, THIS IS IT.

Until that distance sets in. It often happens following an argument, when she has spoken her mind, become possessive or worse, angry. Anger, I think I've told you, is a huge turn-off. It's the least sexy emotion, unless you're sick and sociopathic (as in, you like rape). Women tolerate anger in general, I feel, much more than men, but not necessarily. It's a turn-off for both genders.

Once the distance sets in, once the phone calls become fewer and farther between, she'll want to discuss it and she'll bring it up for serious consideration until she has an answer. He'll evade her, protest that Nothing is Wrong. But he has a chance to think about how to approach this, and he discusses his dilemma with others. He knows she's not happy. But he's okay.

Finally, finally, finally, someone tells him about the NEW CODE. Neither has really heard it used this way before. But it's perfect. It's wonderful. It'll work, at least for him, and he knows it.

He eventually has the opportunity to give the speech with a hint of self-righteousness saying,

Honey. This always was a casual relationship. I never said I'd marry you. I'm not a commitment kind of guy. I've been honest with you from the start (and this is often true, except his actions led her on). Ours is a wonderful, honest, sincerely great relationship. You're an adult. I'm an adult. We're single. We like the way we feel when we're together. We have a great time. We have GREAT sex. But we're good when we're not together, too, we don't crowd one another, we're not dependent upon one another. There's nothing WRONG. It's called a casual relationship. That's what this is. Didn't you know?

Didn't you know?

I call it gas-lighting.

Casual. It's a casual relationship. Maybe we go out and have fun, take off our clothes, make at least one of us vulnerable, waste months of our lives. But it's casual.

I don't know about you. But I read casual as code for something else. And why anyone would want that type of relationship is simply beyond me.

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