Parents tend to talk a lot. They have a lot to say, face it, years and years of words building up inside. And kids, well, they’re helpless, captive. What a position of power it is to be so much taller, so much better at words, knowing so much more of life and love, anger and madness, right and wrong.
Those of us without verbal skills may not say anything, may over-look a child’s behavior. That’s sometimes called benign neglect. Or, worse, succumb to bullying or unfair or unreasonable disciplinary tactics (usually poorly executed) that alienate the child. Kids, as they grow and become more confident, can make fools out of us, force us to play a hand that's already been played unsuccessfully many times over. But even when it feels like we’re losing, we’re really ahead. Why?
They need us to love them and approve of them and their choices, as insane as those choices sometimes seem to be. (The best blog, by the way, on parenting and giving kids healthy choices is Of Fish and Family. I'm not saying you have to give in to what kids want, by the way, just entertain their ideas).
If you parent well, your children will come to you when the rest of the world treats them badly. That's the reason for family, really, to provide a supportive place to lift us up when we’re down, support us not only physically, but emotionally, into adulthood. It’s a sign that we’ve been successful if children call us when they need us, especially when they have no where else to turn, and that really does happen. We can always say no if “helping” the child is enabling, making it easier for the child to repeat compulsive, destructive behavior.
It's hard to recognize that the power differential is in our favor when faced with an oppositional toddler or rebellious adolescent (who may not be small but is still dependent and vulnerable, despite the capacity to drive us nuts). But the power differential is there. We have the car keys, so to speak, and the experience, and the professional resources to turn to for support, if necessary.
Parents can run circles around their kids if they want, especially if they strategize with a spouse or a partner. If one of you sides with a child over the other parent, however, forget about it, you’ve lost your power. There's no way to win if you're both not on the executive committee. The executive committee in a family should be the two parents/adult partners who make decisions together about the kids. Ideally, KIDS ARE NOT ON THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE. I say ideally because in some families, one or both of the parents may not be psychologically able to make sound decisions, and in some families, THERE IS NO PARTNER! If both parents or adult partners are on the same page, then the power is all theirs.
I’ll talk about single parenting in another post.
This post will focus upon only one strategy, LISTENING. The single most powerful weapon you have is your capacity to listen to a person until that person, in this case a child, is talked out. This can bedazzle, confuse, humble, and ingratiate just about everyone. Respect is amazing like that.
I sometimes tell the story of a therapist I knew who was recently married and had two young children and another on the way. She wasn't working and one day she took a phone call from her husband's partner who asked, had she heard the news? She said No, and was told that her spouse (and the business partner on the phone) had both lost their jobs. The therapist was wild with anxiety and fear, but she decided that this wasn't about her, she'd wait until he got home and see what he had to say. He came home that evening and she greeted him, said Let's talk. They sat down on the sofa. She didn't say another thing for an hour and a half when he finally stopped talking. He had to unload and she gave him the space to do that. He turned to her when he was finished and said, simply, Thank you. It was then that this therapist understood the power of listening, and she tells me it has influenced how she practices, now that she’s back to work.
Thus, the best way to relate to people, to earn their respect and to show respect, is to listen. And children are people, too.
Copyright 2006, TherapyDoc
2 comments:
I listen plenty, but when it's time for me to talk, my daugher doesn't listen to me at all. I can't just agree and let her do all kinds of things because her friends want her to. I don't agree with what she says. What do I do?
You don't have to do anything. You hold your ground. You let her talk and talk and talk, you smile, act respectful, ask questions, ask more questions, and ask even more questions. This is your chance to show concern for her friends, to ask about them. If you act like you really care (and you should) then your kid will trust that in fact you do care and will tell you when she and her friends are in over their heads. The key is not to judge, but to show concern and caring, even fear for the welfare of people that you hardly know and in fact, don't trust. That's what she's doing. It is only when you are on her team that she'll hear what you really have to say. I'm not saying it's easy, by the way, but it really isn't something to run away from. The well-being of her friends affects her. You should care.
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