Nittel Nacht

Translate that, Nittel Nacht, it would be . . .  well, I don't know.  I know that Kristallnacht is the night that the Nazi's broke every Jewish storefront in Germany. 

But on Nittelnacht Jews play cards and watch Elf. Or maybe Titanic. Or Meet Me in St.Louis. 

The rabbis forbid learning Torah on Christmas Eve. Except to learn about why it is forbidden to learn Torah on Christmas Eve. Learning is what observant Jews do, or wish they did, most nights, most days, in their discretionary time. It is one of those pastimes that keeps on giving.

So you would think that learning is definitely something Jews should do on Xmas eve. But no. We'll get to the reasons.

Last night FD finishes the last slice of pizza, 47th Street (New York) pizza, but made in Iowa, sold in Chicago. He asks me if I want to join him, walk over to the synagogue to hear a shiur (she-your, Hebrew for class) about the origins of nittel nacht.

Nittel Nacht 47th St Pizza

Nittel Nacht Movie teev

This is enticing, but no thanks. "You go. Take notes.*"

Nittel nacht (pronounced knit-tell nah-cht.) is hard to translate, but it amounts to goofing around, playing chess or poker, eating Chinese food. Why would I go to a class?

This is an underground holiday, isn't even on the Jewish calendar. The reason for the camouflage is that Jews, historically, needed to be hidden, needed to avoid attention. In Europe, if caught learning Torah, they were likely to be victims of violent crimes. On Xmas Eve, especially.

We're still thinking about old history, movements like the Crusades (Kill the Jews!) and the Spanish Inquisition, (Chop off their heads!). Whose heads?  Guess. Theology as an excuse to murder is something of a trigger to our collective annihilation anxiety and PTSD.

Because we're a tiny minority, perhaps there are 13 to 16 million people who identify as Jewish in the world today, compared to 2.5 billion Christians,  1.5 billion Muslims, we're hardly a threat to anyone.

But I worry. Do people still believe in blood libels? Can such rumors, excuses to kill, still make press? There are so many ways to propagate misinformation.

For most us (I'm always asked) Christmas is pretty much just another day. But the true sentiments of the holiday, the whole idea of giving, selflessness, makes me happy. And patients want to give me gifts, but I have to say No, warn them in November.

No gifts, please, it is unethical (see this version of professional ethics) for therapists to take stuff from patients. You pay us, it's enough. And please, no cookies.

I used to be tempted to say, Merry Christmas to patients who told me they celebrated the holiday. But now, that is just wrong. We're completely bamboozled, paralyzed by political correctness, so we don't know what to say. Chanukah is over, so Happy Chanukah makes no sense, even when the patient is Jewish, and Happy Holidays seems so lame. But that is the preferred, politically correct, substitution.

There's a story in yesterday's Wall Street Journal, The Year Christmas Died, about Fifth Avenue. The high end retail stores in New York no longer let Santa and the elves into their windows. We've seen the last of the red and white, all is now white and electric blue. The only references to holidays are seasonal snowflakes, windows that aim to evoke a winter wonderland.

As if any of us really want to see snowflakes, seriously.

Although I grew up in a Jewish neighborhood, Christmas was a seasonal part of my childhood, window shopping downtown, driving out to the suburbs to see the lights and decorations. Cars lined up for blocks in the better neighborhoods.

A father like mine, at the end of the season (the retail season), after he passed out the last of the end-of-year bonuses, wanted to kick back and relax. We had a big dinner, a turkey or a roast on Christmas Eve. Why not? They give gifts, we sell them. It's is a win-win!  Kind of like the celebration of Chanukah. They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.

Then, after dinner, we settled in and watched Its a Wonderful Life.

Because it is, you know.

Here in the United States, gratefully, we have the freedom to worship however we choose, we celebrate that we have the option, that our country is diverse and everyone is different and we can all learn from one another, the original melting pot. Which is exactly why the stores are methodically eliminating Christmas. It is a retail nod to the new paradigm: Christmas is no longer assumed, and we don't have to listen to that music for months and months and months anymore. We're not bombarded with reindeer, either, although I miss them.

And yet, last I looked, Christmas is still a national holiday, a bank and U.S. mail holiday. Most of us aren't going to school, or to work, except maybe to keep the hospitals going, make sure people on the street are safe, not so easy anymore, but it never was.

Maybe to balance it out, other religious holidays should become national holidays. Let's take off for Kwanza, Chanukah, Ramadan (that's a lot of days), all of them!

Or maybe they should just call December 25 something else, something we all can join in on.

Nittel Nacht?

Happy holidays, friends.

therapydoc

*FD told it over, the shiur, but the only thing I remember is that Jesus studied under Rabbi Yehoshua ben Perachia, best known for the idea that we should all give one another the benefit of the doubt (1st perek of Mishna, Ethics of the Fathers).

Ten Survival Tips for that Family Reunion

Well, it isn't over until it's over, but as the first snowfall blankets Chicago, most of us are settling in for the holidays, glad to see 2013 go.

First snow, not so great

A patient asked me only yesterday when it occurred to her:

"Wait! If Chanucha is over early this year, then what do you guys do during the Xmas season. And what will you do on Xmas?"

She did look worried.

Poker on Xmas

On the day of, many of us eat Chinese food, play poker, or go to the movies, which sounds good to me.

And while others are making cookies, decorating the tree, and wrapping gifts in preparation, I'll probably do what I'm doing now, wrapping up therapy with sad people. Really, confused people. The holidays are tough on everyone.

Indeed, it was a crazy pre-Thanksgiving. The games began in October, well before Halloween. People worried about Thanksgiving in November. The family reunion head games.

Every year during this season to be happy and jolly, peaceful and thankful, at the top of the list of things to talk about in therapy is the question, a conundrum really:

"How In the h__(world) am I going to deal with my (extended) family and still manage to stay sane?"

We have stress without family reunions, to be sure. Some of us would rather skip the whole thing, use the time off of work as mental health days.

But invisible loyalties are very powerful, as is the guilt that drives our compliance, our trek across town, across the country to see family, perhaps to go to church like in the old days, visit old friends. We go, brave the stress. Even if the family isn't a particularly warm and fuzzy family, it feels right being a family. And we have so much to talk about. If only we could find a way.

There could be a fairly simple (not) protocol to consider, a humble strategy. Ten points.

(1) Begin by considering what you have, as not the absolute worst thing to have. At least there is something to complain about when we have family.

I tell people to think of children who survived the Holocaust who have no memories of their parents, or very few left, and grandchildren who never met their grandparents. Nothing to complain about there. And millions, face it, lose family in one way or another. No reunion. No stress. Would you trade? Perhaps, and nobody would blame you, certainly not me. But sometimes this shoe fits.

(2) Assuming this is a non-negotiable, you are going to see family in the next few weeks and you do hold significant grudges, see if it is at all possible to forgive and forget. You may need to air those grudges out loud to many people before you go, or in therapy, or even make a list. It is good to let go of the baggage, at least try, and talking is one way of letting go.

(3) Think of it, that inventory, that list of grievances based upon real life events, as a bad dream, many bad dreams, and file the memories.  File the angry memories full of hurts into mental envelopes that represent a stuck part of childhood, when the ego was too immature to handle the stress. You're older now.

(4) If you a sibling or a parent has spurned you, reconnect with others, or maybe an old friend in the neighborhood. It would be a shame to let the past wreck the precious few days off ruin a chance to see people you like. Latch onto your allies and make believe it never happened (see above about bad dream), whatever it is you're angry about, if only for a week or so. Give yourself a break. (Talk to your therapist about ways to cope with obsessive thoughts. Or Google it.)

(5) Think. It isn't good to judge people. Human error is a part of life. We don't know the whole story, can't understand, not what happened then, maybe not even now. The motivations of others are a mystery unless we ask, and even then sometimes. The family reunion is the best opportunity to ask about those motives, to get new information, to understand people who share our DNA.

It is a small handful, that group we consider family, and they tend to be the subject of therapy. So get more information. We'll  use it. Think of it as an informational interview.

(6) The informational interview may not be possible, obviously. Being in the same room does not mean that everyone is going to just open up and talk to one another. Best to script a few conversations ahead of time. The time together will surely be more fun, if we make the effort to ignore the past and pretend everything is okay.  Make small talk. Prepare a list of things to talk about ahead of time.

"Have you tried the sushi?  It is amazing."  "How about those Bears!"

 (7) If it is possible, if time together with family does miraculously become something of an extended family encounter group, then listen more, talk less. It is likely there is a vast amount of knowledge that you do not know about the person you wish wasn't coming to Grandma's this year. For all you know, this person has been through chemo three times. Still feel the rage? If yes, get therapy.

(8) To engage someone in a conversation of the past, difficult moments in childhood, it is best to keep it general. Rather than say,

"What were you thinking when you threw me down the stairs and when you hung me out the window?"

Best to ask, 

"How was it for you in that house thirty years (whatever the number) ago?  I was so miserable. I thought you hated me."

 Even that could be too specific. Start with the first sentence, see where it goes.

(9) To avoid any conversation about the past, if that suits you better, stay busy, help out, and bring a book or a tablet. It is likely that all of the above will be mute because everyone will be glued to an electronic gizmo anyway. We live in a wonderful age.

(10) Cater to those who have personality disorders. Resistance is futile. If someone is narcissistic, you won't be fixing this. Let this person have control, flatter to the degree that is necessary, and you might be able to hear some fabulous stories, a spin on what happened that year(s) Mom forgot her birthday.

That can be difficult when the negativity, the jealousy, the anger, is palpable. Refer to all above and bring out a deck of cards, or play checkers with someone. Or if necessary, Solitaire.

Better yet, join us for poker and Chinese.

therapydoc