EVIL STEP-MOTHER 2nd Installment

The last we heard from Miranda, the Not So Evil-Step Mom, Eddie, age 14, was cussing her out. see Lessons from a Family Therapist

MIRANDA: Eddie, the car pool will be here in ten minutes! You better get dressed.

EDDIE: Go to hell.

MIRANDA: Seriously, Eddie. You'll miss your ride and your dad will be upset. Why not just get going?

Eddie ignores her.

MIRANDA: Eddie! GET GOING!

EDDIE'S SISTER #1: Miranda, don't yell at him, Jeez.

EDDIE'S SISTER #2: You're so mean, Miranda, honest.

What's a woman to do? Yell back, NO I'M NOT! I'M NOT MEAN!!???

Actually, saying, not yelling, No I'm Not is a good start. Miranda should never let those kids get under her skin. She should never lose it. They win if she loses it. Losing it just proves to them that she's a b…. .

Easy for you to say, Therapy Doc. We know you've been married to the same shlumf for 30 years. You don't have step-children pushing your buttons.

Perhaps. But I really do feel your pain. I know it's hard to keep your cool when little children who have been raised right, who have attended parochial schools that emphasized respectful behavior, are really mean (ching, ching, ching, goes the money, and for what!?). And when I was a young parent, I yelled puhlennnty, although the kids don't seem to remember it. It helps to stop yelling while they're still pretty young.

But talking, not yelling, is what assertiveness is all about. I push assertiveness in my relationship therapies for the obvious reason. It works.

Assertiveness, you'll hear me say on this blog over and over again, is JUST THE FACTS. NO EMOTION. Just the facts, ma'am.

So "No, I'm not," IS the proper response to a kid who calls you mean. But you have to say it quietly, and not defensively, speaking above a calm whisper, audible but not aggressive, as if you're saying, Please pass the cream. "No, I'm not. I'm not mean, actually. You're wrong. You have the facts wrong."

Then I would suggest you continue and say, "And I know you're really nice kids, too. You're not mean. You're just under a little (huge pregnant pause) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . stress."

Then you say nothing else, nod empathetically, sympathetically, like you really care, and fold the laundry while singing a happy tune (I'm suggesting Stevie Wonder's Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing) these days, peppy, enthusiastic and happy.)

What should you NOT do? Don't go telling Dad on them. Keep it between you and the kids that they verbally abuse you. Let them know that you're a big girl, that you grew up on, STICKS AND STONES WILL BREAK MY BONES BUT WORDS WILL NEVER HARM ME. You don't need to run to their Dad and tell them what bratty kids he's got.

STICKS AND STONES WILL BREAK MY BONES BUT WORDS WILL NEVER HARM ME

Such a crock, right?

Let us digress.

In my office I have this marvelous bus poster. Maybe you've seen it if you ride busses. About twenty years ago a young patient of mine ripped it off a CTA bus and gave it to me, rolled up. I loved it too much to give it back to the CTA. It has a picture of the cutest, saddest little boy, maybe 3-4 years old. He has the biggest, saddest eyes I have ever seen on a child and long, blond hair, a big tear is splashed on a round cheek.

The poster says, WORDS HIT AS HARD AS A FIST—WATCH WHAT YOU SAY.

Hundreds of patients have seen that poster in my office and nodded in agreement. They all know how hurtful words can be, and so do you. But if I tell you that in all sincerity they are only words and that if you imagine them as text floating off the page and into space, you can take the power away from the person who said them. Or if you write them on a piece of paper and burn them they will, in fact, disintegrate, I am not lying. They are only words. The message, however, still has to be deciphered, understood, and reduced to meaninglessness.

So let's look at Eddie's mean words and decipher the message.

He said, GO TO HELL. Does he mean it? Or does he really mean that he wants his real biological mommy back and can't stand the thought of a substitute. It's the latter, of course. And he's angry. How dare you impose yourself and your likes and dislikes, thoughts and ideas, upon this family? Who freaking asked you?!? If I want to be late for school, says Eddie, I'll be late for school. What're you gonna' do, kill my mom? You can't hurt me.

Poor kid.

So angry and sad. Can you do anything to change that?

No. But you can accept it for what it is. It is not a personal attack against you. It is an expression of grief.

Should you acknowledge that? Should you say, "I know you'd rather I was your mommy and you hate me for taking her place?"

Maybe, but don't be surprised if it goes nowhere. Speaking to angry people rarely goes anywhere. They're in what I call emotional nuts-ness, in NO mood to listen to reason. When they calm down and can discuss things rationally, then we can talk. But by quietly saying, No, I'm not mean, at least Miranda sends a simple message about what is really going on. It's not her who is freaking out. She's not the emotional basket case. And she's there to help, not be mean.

Eddie may not be ready to really process what's happening for a year or two. But if Miranda doesn't freak out and scream, reflecting back her own insecurity and need for acceptance, she has a chance to play the hero, the one who isn't miserable.

See, at the end of the day, people don't like hanging with people who are miserable. They like happy people. So Miranda, you gotta' be happy. Kick up your Ipod. Wait it out. Things will get better. Time heals. Usually.

But wait, what did you mean DON'T TELL DAD. In the last blog on Step-Mom, you said that Dad and Mom are the primary dyad, the executive committee (I did say that, right?). Isn't Step-Mom taking the place of Mom? Isn't she now in the primary dyad?

Yes, of course. She can and perhaps should tell Dad, but not right away, and not when he's in a bad mood. He'll be much happier and more willing to help her shape the behavior of the little ones if she's not accusing him of raising miserable, mean children.

It's the old joke. I can say whatever I want about my mother. But you better not. You can substitute children for mother and you get the drift.

NEXT TIME: PSEUDO-INTIMACY, why everyone picks on step-parents, even when they KNOW it's not nice!

Copyright 2006, TherapyDoc