Progress Not Perfection

This might be a spoiler if you didn’t see last Sunday’s Desperate Housewives.

We’ve been watching Tom and Lynette fight for years, and now that Tom is successful in advertising, he’s leaving her. He has found the perfect woman, someone who doesn't criticize him, who thinks he’s marvelous, and loves him just the way he is.

And she's a doctor, no less.

The couple is separated for several months, and a crisis brings Tom home. He helps Lynette through it and it is clear that the two of them are getting along, even seem happy together. Tom suggests he bring home a pizza and a DVD, that the family does pizza and TV night like they used to do in the past. Lynette jumps on the opportunity to be a family again. The children aren’t thrilled with his educational DVDs, but they go along.

The pizza is ripped open. Lynette makes a face. She doesn’t eat deep dish. She’s been telling him for years that she likes thin crust. He hasn’t been listening to her and she tells him as much. He tells her that this is exactly what he’s talking about, that nothing he does is good enough, he shouldn’t have even tried. She responds by saying that by now, after so many years, it wouldn't kill him to actually listen to her. She needs validation, too. He could care about what she wants. It would be a nice change.

He hands her the point, says he’ll try harder to do that.

An "Ah ha" moment. And she doesn't even have to get to the source, the reason why he ignores things she says, why he doesn't attend to her needs. But this is progress.

That’s television. In reality, people have reasons for not listening and it's nice to bring the unconscious to consciousness. That's called psychological growth, or insight.

The reason I like most is that not listening is associated with narcissism, being unable to see beyond what we want, seeing our needs as primary. For example, in any addiction (and you could say we all have one) the addict is dysfunctional because he disregards the needs and wants of everyone else in order to get his drugs, his drink, sex, whatever. It doesn’t matter, the promises. What matters is satisfying a craving.

Immature? Narcissistic? Sick? The 12-Step programs probably go with sick and selfish. Older 12-Steppers, people who have been sober for years, bop new addicts over the head, tell them, Grow up, be a human being. It works sometime.

The addiction metaphor is only good because addicts are selfish by definition. It can be true in mental illness, too. People don’t have to be, and that’s what recovery is all about. Rising above all that self-absorption and pain.

But take someone like Tom Savo, the guy who doesn't think to keep his wife’s preferences in mind, even when the two seem to be reconciling, a guy who isn’t an addict. I want to say that in his excitement, coming home, bringing home the pizza that makes him happy (and we can assume the children, too) he simply forgets to have her in mind. Oh yes, and a few slices of thin crust for my wife. He missed it, the opportunity.

If that is all it is, being excited, forgetting, it isn't even that dysfunctional. What is dysfunctional is when her needs are never important. When it is systematic, when forgetting his wife is a regular problem. He takes her for granted, doesn't bring home the thin crust because she hasn't made a big enough issue out of it. And even if she does, complaining makes him feel rejected, unloved, and angry, so it is likely to trigger defensiveness and an argument.

The real dysfunction is not when one partner forgets what the other wants, it is when the other's wants are dismissed. Lynette is never really in the picture. Without empathy, without feeling her sense of rejection, he can't address it.

Our relationships go to garbage without empathy.

How does a person get this way? Why are some people more empathetic, more considerate than others? You could say breeding, surely, and you would be half right. Parents can teach children to share, to care about others. It's more important than teaching them to be sure to flush, although that's a two for one. But self-centeredness is functional might help us accomplish things, meet our goals, sometimes. Being goal oriented, keeping our eyes on the prize (or just winning a game) to the exception of all else, others (who distract), we get more done. Or so it seems. There's surely loss, however, when others feel excluded, a social price.

So it could be nature, survival of the fittest. Selfishness could be something Darwin talks about. I haven’t read enough to know, but that makes sense to me.

Take a different example. A guy’s parents are very controlling. He grows up and is determined to run his own life, to finally have it his way. He marries a woman who is giving and selfless, reinforcing his need to put himself first. Except that she does have needs, and when she asserts, he ignores her.

But it depends upon the need, whether or not he ignores her. If it is for something permanent, perhaps a new dress, something she will look at in the future and think, Oh, he gave that to me, what a wonderful husband, it’s a go. He buys it for her. But if it’s something temporary, like a vacation, something intangible, he forgets. He learns that some memories are permanent. It is why we take pictures.

This couple frequently winds up in therapy, and beyond going back to childhood to determine the roots of selfishness, some of us push that 12-Step adage, Progress Not Perfection, because frankly, if we strive for perfection we we're going to be frustrated. We might even give up.

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