THE 2017 SEXUAL MISCONDUCT AWARDS!

No, not my usual post. But this stuff has been bothering me, and this is how I'm working it out. I feel badly for making Mr. Franken an example, he was a champion, is the truth. But we're learning that if you can't be a mensch, a human being who is careful with other people, you're likely to lose more than a few fans.

It's the end of the year, and what a year it has been. Distressing, in a word. But just when you're about to give up hope, something wonderful happens, like Roy Moore loses! So on that note, let's get started with what might prove to become an annual post. 

Chris Sacca, the only mensch

The EVERYONE NEEDS THERAPY 2017 SEXUAL MISCONDUCT AWARDS

1. Worst Loser Award

Roy Moore, congratulations! 

Just in time for the celebration of Chanukah, we hear that the man who thought nothing of taking a fourteen year old girl to his house to get acquainted, lost election for Congress. Going in he was ahead at the polls, but thanks to the African American vote of intolerance, he lost by 20,715 votes. That's a lot of votes! 

Yet, at this writing, Moore refuses to concede. He believes that God might still save the day. Well, Roy, God works in mysterious ways. Even Donald Trump is saying, Let it go, fella. Roy Moore gets the Worst Loser Award for not only refusing to see himself as imperfect, but for not resigning when he probably should be behind bars or in therapy, or both. That's what we call a serious chutzpah. 

II. Worst Parting Shot After Losing Your Job Award

Tom Ashcroft gets this one. He's a National Public Radio host (I always liked him.) The allegations are that he talked "creepy" sex talk, gave  unwanted hugs, neck and back rubs. Eleven mostly young men and women who worked with him on the show reported the abuse that surely constitutes a hostile work environment.

 Ashcroft, informed that he had to go, sent the following text to the station, the line that earns him the Worst Parting Shot award:

"I am sure that once the facts come out that people will see me for who I am-- flawed but caring and decent in all my dealings with others." 

Translate this into therapy-speak and what he means is: Who me? Must be some misunderstanding. I'm awesome. One day they'll know. They'll be sorry.

Oh, we already know more than enough, Tom.

Onto the next award!

III. Most Creative Use of Office Space Award  

Matt Lauer, hands down. Lauer is said to have installed a panic button in his desk that allowed him to lock his office door from the luxury of his chair. Women can get in, but they can't get out! This is called creative narcissism, but it isn't the good kind. Do not pass Go, Matt. 

IV. And Two Awards, Two, go to a  our politician who is not a President  of the year (and that's a tall order)
       1. Best, if Second-Rate Entertainer in Politics Award 

and 2.  First Place Swine at the Fair Award

Al Franken, yes.. Franken couldn't be with us tonight, so therapydoc thought it a good time to use this public forum to accept the award for him and have a little talk together.

Here's the thing, Al. I've been holding in a lot of rage about you for a few weeks, at least. Your behavior, like Harvey Weinstein's, just isn't Jewish. It'is embarrassing to all of us who light candles or oil menorahs tonight. You get this award, however, not Weinstein, because you claim to be a man of the people, elected by the people, and a true champion of women's rights, and you let us all down. And another thing.

I NEVER LIKED YOU ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE! I'm just not much into the smug act, that superiority bit you did so well on Weekend Update. I thought, wow, his father is probably this way, you don't get this material out of thin air, it is so convincing. Then, at some point I thought, IT'S NOT AN ACT!  and stopped watching because an unfunny skit went on so long. It was the one where you ended every sentence with your name, the tag line  ME, AL FRANKEN. 

And NOW, Me, Al Franken, as a United States senator, you're called out for touching women inappropriately while taking pictures with them, and even though we can't see it, it is assumed that you are smiling! This is very offensive, Al. These women, who once admired you, now think you are a disgusting excuse for a human. There's another allegation, too, that you asked at least one of ex-voter to join you in the bathroom after you had already humiliated her with that grabbing thing you do. It is said that before you went into politics you did this grabbing thing and said it was your right  as an entertainer (forget that you didn't make me laugh). 

Your defense, dear, is so terribly weak, too. Rather than apologize, even try to empathize, you say,  I DON'T REMEMBER DOING THAT!  Al, this isn't something you forget. You have a body memory, just like she does. Stop lying. It further cheapens you. 
The apology, too, such a poor excuse for an apology: If I did make some women uncomfortable, I'm really sorry.   IF you did something to make some women uncomfortable? Use "I" language. I did things.  

The photo with Leeann Tweeden. Let's not forget. She writes about the USO tour in 2006: You forcibly kissed me without my consent, grabbed my breasts while I was sleeping and had someone take a photo of you doing it, knowing I would see it later and be ashamed.

Champion stuff, there. Deliberately shaming a woman, or humiliating her, publicly, this is worse than narcissism. It is sociopathic. Now there's a third award. Most sociopathic politician. But there are so many contenders, it is too hard too choose. 

Just so you should know, readers, this kind of conceit is the underbelly, the ugly side of narcissism. 

Side bar. If a man doesn't tell us his history, why he does these things, because he knows, deep down in his heart, what drives him, then people will assume the worst, the sociopathic, the ugly narcissist. I'd rather hear an apology like the following than nothing at all:
"When I was a kid it was a really cool thing, grabbing women, it made you feel like a man, you see, and we all did it and we laughed, and the girls hated it but you sort of wondered, Did they like it? I think they did! And some guys, like me, don't give up their frat boy years so easy. It was funny then, but it isn't funny now, and I'm an idiot, and I have a lot of thinking to do, intend to take women seriously, and I have to stop lying, begin owning up to what I've done." 

You've been so lucky so far, Al, they'll probably accept that.   

V. Best Friend Award

and the winner is . . . Garrison Keillor!

We'll never have to listen to Keillor's dopey Prairie Home Companion again. (Okay, I loved him for years, even listened to the poetry, but his show, and his droopy voice, got old over the years). He no sooner defended Franken, blamed Tweeden (seriously, who blames the victim anymore) than NPR fired him. But before his crimes came to light, he  defended Franken's honor (the expression, thick as thieves comes to mind) calling the women liars, these victim who had witnesses to their stories, who told on him immediately to spouses and friends, after he groped them, cried about the feeling (this is never acknowledged by these guys, the feeling) how horrible it was for them. BEST FRIEND! Cellmates!

VI. Funniest President Ever Award

and the winner is. . . George H W Bush!

Al Franken got nothing on me, HW might say, admitting to having grabbed too many women to count during photos. (This is a thing, who knew?)

People are trying to be kind about it, saying he suffers from senility, that's why he did it. Could be. But it still gives new meaning to the expression photo op. 

Bush excused himself by telling the woman a joke before he flexed his wrist.  

"Do you want to know who my favorite magician is? David Cop a Feel!"

Now that's really funny.

If you're twelve.

Let's pause for a song, because nobody, with the exception of VC Chris Sacca, the only one in the scores of sexual misconduct apprentices knows how to apologize (I HAVE MORE WORK TO DO, he writes). 

As the wonderful, if drunken Dean Martin might croon: 

Everybody says they're sorry sometime, everybody has to look inside. Somewhere in my heart I'm certain, I've something to hide.Everybody knows he's guilty sometime, everybody's face gets red sometime, Why is it that out of nowhere, what's hurt is my pride. 

That's all the time we have for today, friends. 

Oh! And if you happen to be thinking, Hey, I probably ought to apologize to Susie, or Mary, Janice, Heather, Debbie, Bob, Jim, Spike, Sylvia, whoever, take a deep breath, and for God's sake, just do it. Call, or write first, don't show up at the door. Do expect to be called a few choice words, and when she finishes say, "And? There has to be more. Let me have it. I'm so sorry."

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