Why Not Asking for Help is Dangerous

To a therapist, the best take from the Jerusalem Post video with Mosab Hassan Yousef (yesterday's) is his parting shot, the punchline. The moral of the story.

Mosab Hassan Yousef teaches me something

A Quick One:

We had guests last Friday night. FD and I had flown in that afternoon and hustled to get dinner ready before candle lighting. 

It wasn't that we didn't have help, we did. 

My sisters-in-law and FD's brother picked up dinner, delicious challah and desserts. They set the table. 

But you know how it is, so many last minute things to do before Shabbas, lights to set, configuring the oven to Shabbas mode. It is easier, sometimes, just to do these things yourself than to explain how. 

So I was tired by the time we got to dinner, Traveling kills me. By tea I was ready to crash. When it came to tea I grabbed the cakes in the kitchen and a cup of hot tea and summarily spilled it on FD's arm. He acted like I shot him.

True, I do want to learn how to shoot a gun, but trust me, I don't intend to buy one any time soon.  

Ever since Friday night he's been joking about being afraid of me. 

Upon the tragic splash my sister-in-law immediately chastised me, lectured: 

You do too much. You should have asked for help. 

My thoughts are on process. This is how a therapist thinks. Timing is everything. She criticizes me when I already feel badly about the spill. Let it be known in my defense, that FD didn't even have to rinse off with cold water. He sat there smiling. Well, not smiling, grimacing. But I don't like his sister in this moment. I say nothing. You do too much doesn't feel helpful. 

I know I am being unnecessarily defensive and deserve the 'blame'. But therapists hate blame and criticism. in social relationship. These are odious communications. This a judgement, too, I know. For the record I adore my sister-in-law. We're good.

I ask FD if I can get some ice, not worried about his white shirt. He says he's fine. I believe him. If not, ice would be an immediate go-to in our family. Ice is magic.

Only much later, yesterday, following that last video on the blog, does it occur to me that my sister-in-law is correct. I rarely ask for help and should. Not asking for help can be a bad thing. Nobody is omnipotent.

But face it, a lot of people successfully multi-task and many of us do things we never thought we could do with the help of a YouTube DIY video

Why should people ask for help? Isn't this a country that values independence and autonomy?

Socially, asking for help works on many levels. Asking for help does not constitute dependency. We're not crazy about dependency around here. We've talked about this before on this blog and will do so again in another post. Promises promises. Did you hear that a 69-year old man, Jewish, was beaten by a microphone at a pro-Israel rally in Los Angeles and died? For Heaven's sake. But let's stay on topic.

Why asking for help is a good thing

1. It makes other people feel good when they help us. 

Usually they feel good being helpful. Being helpful give us self-esteem. Also, people like to help.

2. Two heads are better than one. 

The outcome might be a lot better. Four arms better than two.  Help is efficient. Tasks go faster. How many times have I thought, I wish there were two of me. But then I think again. 

3. Help from someone else might help protect ourselves. 

Sometimes we take on tasks that are physically taxing, even dangerous. 

Falling off the step stool could be nasty. Dropping a sofa on a toe, ditto. 

4. It's sociable. 

People like doing things together, making it a we project, more credit to go around. Being able to say, WE did this is a way to bond, fosters brotherhood (sisterhood, they-hood). 

5. Most important, perhaps, relying on ourselves is sometimes actually risky.

On that note, let there be peace in the family, peace on earth.

therapydoc