Pandemic Shaming-- or do you just call it Corona-shaming

Here I thought I was being original. A man on telehealth worried that if he had  Covid-19 that others would think he deserved it and worse, that he had done something irresponsible, something that put not only himself but others in harms way.

Jason Gay is always funny

Being in harm's way is exactly what those on the frontlines in treatment are rightfully concerned about, or would be if we gave it any serious thought. It is a given that therapists have the right to a healthy social distance from patients who might have Covid. The implication is that if we get the virus it is because we got too close.

Jennifer Weiner writes in the New York Times about . Pandemic shaming.She says, is alive and kicking. Finger pointing is a big deal. Photos on FaceBook, videos. See? No mask. A crowd in the park.

The writer (who doesn't love her) is angry and notes that her anger is aroused when she hears about those who put us all in harms way. These souls have had contact with corona-positive friends or loved ones, yet still wander out into public without a mask.. George Stephanopoulos is the prime example, his wife ill with the virus, front page news, yet spotted without a mask at a pharmacy. The establishment serves older people.
NPR ran a story about Brian Glazer. He's on his yacht, perhaps the size of a city neighborhood, talking about how tough it is being in isolation. I try to empathize with Brian--he probably has a bowling alley on board.

The story worked, properly shamed Mr. Glazer. He apologized for his thoughtlessness, for complaining that he can't fly wherever he wants these days.

Now with the economy opening up and expectations that the numbers of cases will rise, we'll have a new phenomenon: State Shaming.

And I didn't even start with athletes shaming. Or biker shaming. Especially those who sweat.

The finger-pointing, the direct accusations about putting others at risk, this is what upsets  Ms. Weiner, and me, too. She rightly recognizes that her anger is driven by fear; it is a measure of exerting control. She credits therapy for the insight, and nicely de-stigmatizes therapy, thank you dear, in the process.

Damon Young, she writes, the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker, has seen his share of pandemic shaming. But it is mostly aimed at poor people, people of color.

But posting pictures of non-compliers on social media, or calling them out to their faces, is unlikely to help. It might even make things worse. And it comes with risks to groups who are already suffering more than most from the virus and its effects.

“When there’s a mandate to snitch or to shame, that’s going to disproportionately affect black people,” Mr. Young said. “When you call the police on a group of black people, you are threatening their lives.”

If there is an opportunity to point a finger at someone we want to hate, we're going to do it. Human nature, insecurity, the need to displace self-hate and fear, to fop it onto another, schadenfreude, these are the things we contend with on any typical day. Some are vigilant, on the hunt for another good reason to hate (with self-righteousness to go). Party time on social media.

Try being in Germany in the late 30's and early 40's. The Nazi's had a field day.

But back to being a patient who fears getting sick because of the fear of blame, for causing it somehow.  Mind-blowing that this should even be a thing, a fear, but it is. For some people, having the virus triggers shame for having done something wrong, perhaps going to buy groceries-- even with a mask-- and being outed for it. It is a raw feeling irrationally associated with innocent behavior. The patient feels more at risk of social castigation than death from the virus. These types of patients are the first to keep their distance, the first to disinfect.

Many of you remember when the word "cancer" had to be whispered or never mentioned at all.

Shaming is another way of making people feel good by putting someone else down.  It reminds me of an old Bob and Ray joke. One of the two would say in all earnestness,

"I like to bring myself up by putting other people down."

This always makes me laugh because it is so true of so many, many people.

Parents do it, shame their children. The point is that the kids will refrain from whatever it is that they are doing that is bad (hands in the pants, among other serious crimes). It works if the child is young enough, but adds baggage to the rest of their lives. They come to therapy with guilt for wanting to punch someone in the face.

A word about anger

Anger isn't a bad thing.  Anger is normal. It is violence that is bad.  

We might say that shaming out of anger on social media is a type of verbal and emotional violence. 

As I said to the patient, as I have said to dozens over the years:

If anyone ever does that to you, shames you--about anything--which is unlikely because you are the nicest, most empathetic person on the planet-- consider the source. Then feel pity. If you must respond try something along these lines:

I feel sorry for you. I really do. And walk away. Or simply, Must be hard to be you. 

Because most of the time, if you call someone out on something, that person will lash back at you in response, not cower. (Think about your own response to the driver of the car behind you, honking, a reflexive hand gesture). Nothing gained.

 The shame is in the shaming. Just this therapist's humble opinion.

therapydoc

Top Ten Excuses: Governor Sanford

No, I'm not finished with it.

Last night I had the house to myself (the remote) so I settled down to a warm teev to see what the world has to say about Governor Sanford.

What a nice looking guy, seriously. You can see why we're all so upset. He seems so presidential, has a little of the Lincoln jaw.

Anyway, the media is brutal and I'm pretty worried about the Gov's mental health. A sensitive man like him could get suicidal listening to what I heard last night, pundits and comics blasting him to smithereens. So we won't blast here, not much.

On the other hand, there's so much to blast.

You play you pay, Governor. And we learn all kinds of things, do we not, from our elected officials.

David Letterman feels sorry for not only the first family, but also the good people of South Carolina who have to endure this embarrassment. The governor, facing television cameras tells us:

(a) he went hiking
(b) he was exhausted
(c) he needed to get away
(d) he's really, really sorry--the list went on like the thank you speeches at the Academy Awards, and
(e) oh yeah, he had an affair.

He should have come clean, continues Letterman, should have told us straight up: I was taking care of business. You don't say, I was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Say, I had s a board of trade meeting in South America. I'm looking at silos.

Letterman's top ten excuses. We'll add our own in a second.

10. Did I say hiking? I meant, cheating!
9. I had to do something after the devastating news about Jon and Kate!
8. I learned everything I know from Governor Spitzer.
7. Let's talk about more important things, like the Nestle Tollhouse cookie recall.
6. I learned everything I know from Governor McGreevey (apparently McG had an affair with his limo driver)
5. It's Ahminadajab's fault.
4. If you met my wife, you'd leave the country, too.
3. I'm auditioning for the Amazing Race (whatever that is)
2. If you run the state and have to leave the country for a week, since when do you need to tell someone?
1. It wasn't me, it was my alter ego, Bruno.

So let's add a few!

10. I can't communicate well with my wife, can't tell or show her what I need or want, it's too embarrassing to talk that way.

9. After all, she's really scary. Have you met her?

(She looks like the nicest person you'll ever want to meet, and she doesn't need him, by the way, her family owns the Skill tool company and has an MBA).

8. I have no imagination, zero.

7. I believe that it is women who are responsible for keeping their men interested, and that means they should be tan, preferably show tan lines.

6. If you have a close friend then how are you supposed to be able to stop that friendship from becoming sexual? Especially if you share so many of the same things, like you both have children? And why wouldn't you ask her for her email address?

5. I have an honest face, the people love me, I can get away with this. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

4. Denial is just a river in Egypt. Maybe I'll go there, too, check out some silos.

3. I'm in politics. What do you want?

2. I have a spiritual adviser so I'm working on it. Love the sinner, hate the sin.

1. And as Bob and Ray, that famous radio comedy team used to say, paraphrasing Nixon

NUTS! I'll never run again!

therapydoc