Family Reunions

I'm always a little reluctant to post about myself, but when there's a teaching moment, I can't exactly resist.

We've talked plenty about holidays and how horrible they are for so many, many people. And because we do this, the emphasis on the good takes a second seat, no seat at all, probably.

But when you reach an age that your children (most) are married (some still do this) and have children of their own, your focus is upon that new generation of young people, the grandchildren. You so want them to be healthy, in every single way, and to follow your traditions, if at all possible, and be the best people they can be.

When they are all together, under your roof, and the noise decibels compete with a good residence hall party, perhaps run away with the prize, there is nothing better. It is an ultimate high, and this is why holidays, for some, have the potential to be truly wonderful.

And in the middle of all of that, feeling quite good, the brain spinning with things to do and, let's not not say it, is filled with joy, you know that this is rare, that many people don't ever have that, can't ever, and it absolutely grieves me.

It is an experience my rabbi would say is perfectly normal, this switching from happiness (he refers to weddings), to sadness (a funeral) all in the same day.

Somehow we have to be able to switch it on and off, all in a moment, to be real people, not animals. When we're happy, we have to temper it, remember that so many are not.

So happy, and sad, holidays to all.

therapydoc

Mother's Day

I know you think of me as a family person, being a family therapist.

And we've talked about the sandwich generation; being a mother, meaning having a son(s) or a daughter(s), and being a child at the same time, having a mother, a father, or both. And me having two slices of bread, (k"h).*

So you would think I'd like Mother's Day, being the bologna in the sandwich.

But I have to tell you. It makes me uncomfortable and a little angry, too, this day.

I try to work on Mother's Day, as much as I can, not because I don't love my mother (we have plans for the evening) but because for many people, it's just another day. They don't celebrate it. And they come in. Predictably, there's always one patient who does celebrate it and comes in and says to me, as if I'm committing some kind of crime, Working on Mother's Day?!

Like you'd rather I didn't?

But I'm respectful. I say, It's all good. Have a seat.

The Hallmark holidays are emotionally unbearable for a lot of people. I almost feel like I should be doing group therapy on Father's Day, Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, and Sweetess Day. There are more of these days, I guess, but these touchy feely ones are the ones that come to mind.

And I've never said this, really, not wanting to bring anyone down. But you have to understand, these days don't go unnoticed by people in difficult relationships, or those who may have lost someone. Not everyone thinks of the Hallmark holidays as warm and fuzzy. And it's not as if they volunteered to grieve on a day with potential to be one of those early sweet Sundays of spring, full of blossom and hope.

They remember
abandoment,
abuse,
neglect,
disappointment,
anxiety,
anger,
booze.

Stuff like that. And forgiving, forgetting, well, it's not always possible, or if it is possible, is an objective not yet met. We'll get to that this year, people think, that forgiveness piece. Maybe.

This is not to bum you out, seriously, if anything, I'm thinking, those of us who have good relationships, or passable relationships, even (you be the judge) are the lucky ones.

So the sentiment for many of us is like, I'm thankful I have this. Thank you for all you have done for me. It's because of what you do, of what you have done, that we have this.

If this fits.

But I must recommend that when you do say to people, Happy Mother's Day, that you do it with a lot of sensitivity. And with some people, think about it first. Maybe don't say it at all.

therapydoc

*k"h, kineyinharah wards off the evil eye. If you're new here, one of the benefits of reading is you get to learn some Yiddish.