Wartime and Holidays

If you live in Israel and you talk to folks from your native country, they all say, Stay safe! And I repeat it back, You stay safe! Because the world is a crazy place. 

It is March 15, the war with Iran began on Saturday, February 28. 

February is a short month so if we do the math that brings us to a 15 day war so far. 

Two weeks and a day. Feels longer. But honest, except for an occasional missile from a hostile country, you would never notice. (Why so hostile?!) Israel has a few war songs, but nobody's singing them now. Most of our songs are about the love of the land, our beautiful, bountiful land. As they sang in the movie Milk and Honey, 

We want it green and so it's green for us. 

We also worked it. By we, I mean Jews. For hundreds of years, under other peoples, it lay fallow, produced mostly rocks. Come here. You will think you are in a first world country because you are.

But back to the war.

It feels inconvenient, is all, or so it feels, not dangerous, not by war standards. I picture Vietnam and napalm, horrible mayhem, mass slaughter.  Life Magazine photos. This is not that war. 

A week ago if you talked to Israelis they might say they felt that the conflict is winding down. Maybe, but that's in the Old Mighty's hands. Or in the hands of Her representatives. We all hope it is almost over, I mean, the holidays are coming. Everyone has a holiday in the spring. I'm not listing them all, ask your buddy Chat. But for example,. 

There's the East Asian Qing Ming celebrates ancestors, sorry, no pic, it felt like adding a picture of people objectified unnecessarily.

And the Japanese Hanami about memory, renewal and nature

Cherry blossoms for Hanami

Hindu holiday Holi-colors and joy, good over evil

Passover matzah: Jews couldn't wait for the bread to rise! Matzah on the run from Egypt so it looked like this

Muslim Eid-al-Fitr

Christians celebrate rebirth, sacrifice and redemption with Palm Sunday, Good Friday, and Easter

Muslims have Ramadan,  month of reflection and charity that ends with Eid-al-Fitr 

Should be a happy time, no? 

And yet the world feels upside down to many of us. We have to b e ready for anything, and I don't just mean in Israel, all over the world. 

News flash: terrorism is not the work of the Jews. We didn't invent it, aren't into it.

Living with uncertainty, tolerating uncertainty-this is a life skill, it is something we teach in therapy. Breathe, watch happy shows, laugh at comedians on Facebook and Instagram. Do what once made you happy. It probably still will. 

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By Land and By Sea

Even if it is 40 degrees in Chicago in April,
sometimes a boy's gotta' fish.

Last week was Passover, so we took a little time off work, hosted a few guests. Something of a family reunion. Although not everyone could make it, attendance was pretty good.

We're at Lincoln Park, here, FD's showing the giraffes our kite. They were impressed.

Once or twice, if you're a regular reader, you've found me depressed after a holiday break like this. The kids come, they go, they take my grandchildren with them. They threaten to leave one or two behind, but the little people somehow find their way to their car seats at the end of the holiday. Although I miss them already, it's okay. It always was.

We played a lot of games, some indoors. This year's indoor Bozo's Grand Prize Game was even more of a hit than last year. I didn't tell the kids that Bozo the Clown has passed on to that big circus in the sky.

There's this idea that children really prefer a good cardboard box to the toy inside, and it has been shown, without a doubt, to be statistically significant. After they all left I spent a bit of time smashing boxes for recycling, and throwing things away. I spent about eight hours getting my house together, and will need another couple of weeks to find things, return them to their proper owners. (Empath Daught, if you're reading this, I found some make-up with the chometz (rhymes with dumb-its, means not for Passover use), and someone's sleeveless tee-shirt is still hanging in the bathroom upstairs.)

What else, what else. The best thing about a family reunion is that the generations divide. Sure, it's great for the grandparents to bond with everyone, but leaving the younger people to talk until 3 a.m., just talk, catch up on their lives, and me and FD not hearing a word of it, is kind of wonderful, if you ask me.

This is the essence, really, of a family therapy, that siblings should have their own relationship with one another, not something based upon their relationship to their parents, although that's obviously okay, too. The closeness is something to shoot for, and the way to shoot for it is to get the parents out of the room.

Same thing, really, with marriage. You have to get your parents out of that relationship, too, although it's surely a good thing that they're there, if they are there, when you need them. Nothing like having a parent around when you need one. Same, too, with kids. I called one of mine yesterday. Conversation went like this:

Uh, honey, are you around tomorrow at noon?
Son: I think so!
Great, the guy is coming to fix the dryer and I'm with patients until 1:00.
Son: No problem. Will there be food?

What else, what else.

You can establish a boundary around your practice, with enough practice. My practice is full and yet I was gone for 10 days and had maybe 2 phone calls while I was off, from new patients. I'm not sure how you do this, but it is worth working at. Using your team, using the patient's resources, this is all in there somewhere, as is encouraging independence. I guess we should talk about it more sometime.

What else, what else. I read a good book by Colm Toibin, Brooklyn. It's a post-war book about a nice kid from Ireland who comes to America, leaves her family behind knowing that at most she will see them once a year, traveling by boat. She's here in America for a better life. It's a wonderful novel, rich in character insight. The whole idea of separating from family for a whole year is mind-boggling, isn't it? And yet people used to do it all the time, and many still do.

And I complain about a few months apart from mine.

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The Family Reunion

Let's talk a bit about dealing with the family reunions and not getting sick. Family can make you sick; we've discussed this.

Someone once asked me how exactly to avoid getting sick when certain subjects are destined to come up that will make you sick, and the answer, of course, is Steer clear. Or as the kids say these days, Don't go there.

Meaning if you know it's toxic, as Boris or Natasha or someone used to say on that cartoon, Spy versus Spy, on the Rocky and Bullwinkle show, Exit; stage right. Or at least have a stage door in mind.

Conflict avoiders among us relate. Fight or Flight? No contest.

A person doesn't always have the option to fly, however, and sometimes assertiveness feels too hard. So there are other alternatives. Like dropping the gefilte fish on the floor, which makes a huge mess, but distracts nicely. Or spilling some sort of liquid,like water or wine. The more creative among us might pull off the tablecloth altogether.

There are family reunions that are just for fun, but sometimes there are reunions that are more purposeful. I know of people who rent cottages in Colorado once a year and everyone gets together just to hang out for a week. They float in and out and don't necessarily talk about their issues with one another.

Therapy tends to be about how to handle it when there are issues that should be ironed out, and who should do/say what. It's very complicated. In therapy we entertain the options, sometimes include the siblings or a sibling, parents or a parent, just to prepare for the extended time together.

Then there are the shorter reunions, the kinds that are played out over a dinner on a holiday or a birthday or anniversary. These tends not to be a good times to work on relationship problems.

But there's often a person at an affair trying to corner another person to do just that, which is why sometimes plates drop and drinks spill.

Pehaps more respectful variants of dropping the fish (respectful to one's host)include noticing what one's nemesis is wearing (people often buy new clothes for parties and holidays) and going crazy over it.

OMG, your tie! It's so beautiful! Italian? Where did you get it? I just love the design, and how the tones bring out your coloring.

Or you can try to change the subject, as in:

How's ____ ?(pick someone) I heard he/she is:
(a) thinking of leaving his job,
(b) expecting),
(c) just came into a ton of money,
(d) is running for village council.

(make something up)

If this doesn't feel right to you and you think this is a good time to resolve differences, think again. You're at dinner. This is not the time for conflict resolution that should take place at lunch with just the two of you and a few well-designed therapeutic interventions in your head.

Instead, say,

Eventually, you know, we're going to have to get together and resolve our differences.

Put this meeting off for as long as you wish, but do your best to get through the party.

Family reunions are supposed to be happy.

Can you tell we're getting to the Passover seder? Well, it is that time of year, and the first of the two sedarim starts on Saturday night. It's a hugely labor intensive holiday for the observant, but even many non-observant Jewish people have a family dinner.

For those of you who aren't familiar with it, the seder is an ordered meal with traditions to remind us that we were slaves in Egypt (1500 B.C.E. about). It can take awhile to get through this dinnertime service, too long for some of us who want to get on with the meal.

Eventually you do get to dinner. So it is to this end that FD and the kids put together a list of things to avoid talking about at the seder, especially at dinner, after the telling of that story starring the late Charlton Heston.

They even started a list of things we should talk about.

I'm going to hand them off to you since there's still time to inform your guests, but surely these are ours, so make up ones of your own that make sense:

We don't talk about:

baseball (there's this Cubs versus Cards problem)

any politics, any politics, even Valley Village politics, we'll try not to, but we will

religion
credit cards, mortgages, or tuitions
websites
blogging
wii
winter
Obi-wan

We do talk about:

religion
the Masters (golf)
shoe sales
the food
why Saba is throwing toys (frogs, insects, ping pong balls) at the table

Star Wars jokes
past performances of the Four Questions

that story about the grandfathers who were switched at Cedar Sinai hospital in Los Angeles and sent home with the wrong families!

Now, some people like to really get deep and understand the true meaning of everything, why we celebrate Passover, what the symbolic foods mean, etc.

If you're one of those, even if you're not, I'm going to take the liberty of recommending one particular author's lovely and serious piece, but not too serious, if you know what i mean. Stewart Weiss writes, Top 10 Pessah talking points, and for some crazy reason, they're different than the ones my family put on our list!

Friends, I need of a little rest and plan to take a few days off. Not just work, but this, too. Slavery's not for everyone, and we Jewish women strongly feel that way by the time we get to the holiday (the cleaning, the cooking, the shopping, the juggling of menus, guests, the self-correction, another day on that). I'll do my best to post your comments over the holiday, but probably won't have a chance to reply to them until it's over and the last child is on an airplane home, assuming the airlines remain solvent, that is.

Have a great week, and I'll see you next year in Jerusalem. That's what we say when the seder finally ends, the last song is sung, and most of us are already asleep on, or off our feet.

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As they pack up to leave

An Expedia itinerary

A St. Francis Hospital discharge summary protocol

An In Style Magazine with Sandra Bullock on the cover

Leggos, big ones, surprisingly not all over the place

Bibs, dirty

Many ping pong balls and similarly-sized wiffle balls in corners of the living room, dining room, kitchen, and family room

At least 7 empty matzah or cake meal cans* used to play the Grand Prize Game (that's why there are so many wiffle balls). If you're too young for Bozo the Clown, you can't possibly get this.

a high chair piled high with things that don't go on a high chair, like Passover Hagaddahs and sweaters

many paper plates, some clean

cognac, barely touched

many, many aluminum foil containers of varying sizes, strewn earlier around a one-year old toddler who is now asleep in her bed

an inside-out long-sleeved forest green striped shirt, size 4

a lime-green pair of cargo pants, size 4. Empath Daught: I couldn't resist these.

A tie-dyed burnt sienna and gold body suit, sized 12 mos., from India, a present from Uncle Bean to H-squared, but it's too small. Which is totally a shame.

Jonathan Safron Foer's second novel, how could you be surprised, he is my favorite author. It boggles my mind that one person can be so young and yet so psychologically brilliant.

sherry, kosher of course, not all that good, no where near as as good as the wine my father made in our basement, also hardly dented for obvious reasons

A car seat and 2 "child" seats. They had neither in my day. How did I make it?

A Reader that begins, "Who baked the cake?"

One of those toy vacuum cleaners that seconds as a popcorn popper.

More leggos.

More books, mostly about Spider Man, no one knows why.

A very small apple on a stuffed chair, Jonathan

sippy cups, 4 of them, some with apple juice, some grape juice, all dangerous if left unattended for too many days

2 magna doodles, one with a Pixar Toy Story book attached

Hungry Hippos. I know, the noise did do me in.

2 vases of wilted flowers with that crud that builds up on the inside

water bottles with varying amounts of left-over water

machzors and a sefira counter (you don't want to know)

Several neck ties.

Oh, that's enough. My voicemail messages sound urgent. Mainly did I get the LAST messages about the cancellations? So the 11 people I had on my schedule for today (it is 1 a.m. as I write this) have shrunk to 8, and I've learned there are 2 very nervous people who do not trust that I receive voicemail if I don't return their messages, even though my voicemail clearly says, I probably won't get to returning your messages. But who can blame them for being nervous?

*cake meal is a "fake" flour that some of us use on Passover' I know no more than this.

Sure. I'm looking forward to eating chometz (bread, or anything with flour given half a chance to rise), as soon as I get an appetite (I'm so stuffed). It's been a long 8 days.

Thank G-d.

Copyright 2007, TherapyDoc