Elizabeth Souter: The Editor

Oops! Housekeeping: I forgot to tell everyone to please check the sidebar and vote.  It was an impulse post, and once someone votes you can't edit it.  It should read:

__M-Th between 7-10 pm, CST
__Sunday 1-5 pm, CST
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__No Thank you.

The lectures are about intimacy regulation, what else.

Onward.


A few months ago, a Harvard educator contacted me and asked if she could take a stab at editing a few posts on Everyone Needs Therapy for free. Of course I jumped.

Free? The only thing anyone has offered me for free is a set of screwdrivers from Home Depot. Which I declined. First accepted, then declined.

But this? A dream come true. We talked while I waited for the good people at 7-11 to make me a pot of decaf (between patients, don't think the phone ever stops), and I told her that I barely pulled a C in Rhetoric in college, probably because I didn't understand the meaning of the word, rhetoric. They assume you know what it means when you're in college, the name of the course.

Anyway, Elizabeth, tzideikat, (rhymes with lid-ay-not, means a female saint) took a red pen to my work. It got pretty crazy, reading the edits,

but she was nice enough to also show me how it looked edited, which is what you got.  After the second pass.

Plenty of bloggers are really writing for themselves, as they should, because as you know, writing can be therapeutic. But if you write for an audience, you're talking performance art, and everyone wants a good performance. Most of us need a good coach for that to happen.

A few months ago I watched my granddaughter's ballet class, and the patient coaching of Miss Vanessa, well, it was a thing of beauty watching her work with those kids.  Not that the raw performances weren't amazing, and let me tell you about my granddaughter. . .

That would be a digression.

So Elizabeth -- professor, writer, editor, and blogger at Motherhood is Not for Wimps – was kind enough to doctor a post or three, and the five-year old in me gazed up and said, Plie' away.

She teaches blogging at Harvard Extension School, so she's probably bleary-eyed at the end of the day, and I hated to overtax her. Still, she asked for it, and she took my scribble scrabble, delivered line-by-line feedback, evaluated how I write, the voice and constructions, my strengths and weaknesses. (Two of the edited posts are up, one will require a lot more emotional energy from me before you'll ever see it.)

Of course, it was like good therapy. Lots of encouragement and validation, things to think about, stuff to work on – enough to jump start the critical thinker in anybody, planted firmly, as you well know, by some previous mentor you surely merited along the way, probably by a first degree.

But the results of those critical introjects!  You have to thank the coaches, the moms, the dads, the teachers, the sibs, the neighborhood folks, that guy at Little League.

Thanks Elizabeth.


therapydoc

P.S. If you want to work on your blogging, strengthen your voice and the quality of your work, Elizabeth Souter tells me that she is not too wiped out too take on another client. (She writes, too, is a published author). Check her out at Motherhood is Not for Wimps, but for an editing appointment, check out her personal website.

About those 8 Ways to Spot a Dishonest Date

I'm not gonna lie.

The Seinfeld jokes really are the funniest, aren't they? I mean, we talk about Jack Benny, Lenny Bruce, Henny Youngman, Rodney Dangerfield, Bill Cosby, Carol Burnett, Gilda Radner, but the funniest man or woman, dead or alive (okay, maybe Tina Fey is the funniest) might very well be the one whose cadence is in our lexicon, whose very words, I'm not gonna' lie, are a part of our daily speech.

But this isn't about comedians, it's about deception, and we've talked about that before. But it's in the journalistic web news, so why not take another look? According to Caroline Presno at Yahoo, new research offers practical tips for spotting liars.

Frankly

(you'll see, liars use this word a lot, "frankly", and phrases like "to be quite honest")

but frankly, I'm more interested in the sociopathy, the why than the what, and how to see this as a systemic problem. We'll talk about the systemic features of lying following Yahoo's presentation of the what.

Critical thinking questions, the ones you should rhetorically ask the wall when you read stuff like this, are indented in parentheses. I didn't read the research, and for all I know the methodology is great. But you want to look at what you read critically, especially breaking news presented as the truth. Even stuff you read over here deserves a critical eye. Skim through it and get to the story.

Dating 101: Eight Ways to Spot a Dishonest Date

By Dating expert Caroline Presno, Ed.D., P.C.C. Special to Yahoo! Personals Updated: Oct 2, 2008

Chances are you're being lied to multiple times a day. It happens not only at work and with your friends and family, but in the intimate arena of love and dating, whether it's a first date or someone you are forming an exciting new relationship with.

Imagine this:

During a 10-minute conversation, people told an average of two to three lies, and 60 percent of people lied at least once, according to a study conducted by Robert Feldman of the University of Massachusetts.

(Who were these people? How many in the sample? Why would we think they represent the people you know and talk to every day?)

Telling lies is a normal part of everyday life. People tell small lies to make themselves more likable or to spare other people's feelings.

(Who says it's a normal part of everyday life? Whose life?)

However, it's when the lying gets out of hand that it becomes harmful to a budding relationship. If someone you are dating repeatedly lies to you for their own personal gain, you need to be aware of it. By becoming a better lie detector, you can prevent others from taking advantage of you, both literally and emotionally.

Here are eight ways to spot a liar:
1. Eyes aflutter. When people lie, their blink rate tends to go up.

2. The eyes have it. Conventional wisdom says that liars don't look you directly in the eye. And sometimes this is the case. However, research shows that practiced liars will actually give you more eye contact than people telling the truth!

3. Frankly, my dear. People who lie often feel the need to draw your attention to their trustworthiness. They may preface statements with words like "honestly," "frankly," and "truthfully." They're also likely to make assertions such as "I would never lie to you" and "I'm not lying."

4. Cool and casual. Most people expect liars to be nervous, but practiced liars know how to act casual while weaving a web. They may have their feet up or be slumped down in a chair as the lies flow.

5. Behind the smile. A liar's smile is different from a truth-teller's smile. According to research, true "enjoyment smiles" are so big and bright that you'll notice a crinkle around the eyes. These authentic smiles last for less than five seconds. The "masking smile," or lie smile, tends to last longer than five seconds, doesn't involve the eyes, has a hint of negative emotion, and may be crooked.

6. Sticking to it.“Good liars stick to the true parts of their story as much as possible and insert lies at key points.”
Good liars stick to the true parts of their story as much as possible and insert lies at key points. If you suspect you're being lied to, don't be fooled into thinking that the whole story is true, even if you can confirm that parts of it are true.

7. Derailed by details. Liars often try to divert you from their falsehoods by detailing you to death. They'll get you so bogged down by the minutiae of the story that you lose track of what they're saying or you get tired of listening. Never hesitate to ask for clarification if the story seems confusing or doesn't add up.

8. It's not me, it's you! If you catch someone in a lie, they'll frequently try to turn it back on you. "You must be crazy. I never said that!" or "You must have memory loss because that's not the way it happened."

What do you do when you suspect someone you're dating is repeatedly lying to you? In order to feel more secure in the relationship, let them know that even though the truth can hurt, you want to deal with things honestly and openly. The truth will ultimately be better than losing trust and being devastated by lies.

The more people lie and get away with it, the more lies they tell. Stop the cycle by confronting the lies!

Not bad. Certainly good advice. But is a liar going to 'fess up with confrontation? The types of lies you need to be on the lookout for are really the ones that will personally affect you, do you damage. And to protect yourself from those you don't need to confront anyone. You have to know you, then cut bait when you know that the you could get hurt.

The story

I went to college with FD but didn't know him. I thought he was cute from across a crowded room. He didn't know I was alive, and there was no way I was going to do anything about that. One day we met in line somewhere and he flirted and took my phone number, and within a very short time we were both pretty sure we should get married. Fast, if possible.

Fast didn't happen, of course. You have to get the hall, and the band, and the photographer. Petty details.

Not that I'm recommending this, by the way, jumping into a committed relationship without premarital therapy. In retrospect it's obvious we were very lucky that we hadn't completely bamboozled, blinded one another to our respective tragic flaws.

So I went home for a weekend and for some reason told my parents about this. I thought they would be happy about it. Isn't that what you send your kid off to college to do? Find a spouse? That old M.R.S. degree?

Instead I got these funny looks.

My father, when he couldn't take it anymore, stood in the doorway of my bedroom. I was reading a book, remember this like it was yesterday. He never did this, stood in the doorway to talk, and never crossed into my bedroom, because hey, it's a girl's room. You don't do that.

So from the doorway he says, "Can we talk?"

Sure Dad, what's on your mind?

"He says he'll marry you."

That's all he says. I smile and say, "Don't worry, Dad. He will. It's not even a question."

This isn't enough, he's not sure I get it. And he doesn't see a ring. He continues. "Do you know what I mean when I say he says he'll marry you?"

I smile and I say, "Dad. He isn't the kind of person who swears his adoration and then says, If you loved me, you would . . .What choice do you think he has?"

What my father had referred to was the deception variable, and I think it fantastic that he proffered that little bit of advice at that particular time.

So I'm passing it on to you, too, without bullet points.

Deception is only as good as the power, the potential to wreak havoc, behind it. That you can assess without even knowing the other person well or if he or she is lying to you. For that data you have to look inside yourself to find the answer.

You do it by thinking defensively. "What if this person is lying to me? Then what?"

And if you get "Oh, that would be really bad," for an answer, then you need to do a lot of detective work before falling too hard.

You were thinking about going into forensics, anyway, right?*

therapydoc

*High school students, influenced by Law and Order and CSI, say that they are now choosing forensics over other professions. I have no idea about the quality of the methodology of that survey, by the way :)

For more on deception and development, read my post at The Second Road, Caught in a . . .Lie?

The 7-Yr Old Kentucky Smokers

I've never been wined and dined by a drug rep before, but FD has, and it's generally an opportunity for me to watch TV or blog uninterrupted. He comes home and tells me what he's had to eat, I tell him I missed him not at all.

Remember, I went through medical school, internship, and residency years with him falling asleep in his soup. Independence is my middle name. (And you thought I was so in love).

The last time he went out to an elegant dinner with drug reps and other doctors, he listened to the lecture, ate better than he would have here, and came home rather late. He put his hands on my shoulders (I was staring at the computer screen, reading something or another), and said, "Dr. E's wife came with him."

"WHAT?!?!"

"Yup, I guess you can bring your spouse if you want."

"Really."

See, now it's crunch time. Would I rather stay home and blog and watch mindless television, perhaps cook for Friday night or bake some cookies. . .or go out for dinner at Shallots?

"Are you saying you want me to join you next time?"

"I am."

FD is by far the more social of the two of us. I talk a good game, but would rather not have to hold any conversations at the end of the day. Face it, I do active listening as a professional, and there's just so much active a person can listen.

"Well, okay."

So tonight I joined the group. You have to understand. When I'm out socially I can try not to be a therapist, but being a therapist is so much more entertaining to people than not being a therapist that I'll usually start off saying something about a person's profession that intimates that indeed, I am onto them.

Tonight I was less than subtle. The leader of the presenters introduced herself to me, a sincerely lovely blond with lots of zip and personality, yet very sensitive and intelligent. I loved her immediately. I said something profound like, "Oh, man, I treat drug reps. YOU GUYS WORK SO, SO HARD! HOW DO YOU DO IT?"

"We all need therapy," she said.

"I can imagine."

Soon it was just another girl's night out, because Dr. Z, a female family practitioner in the hood dropped in and sat next to me. We talked about dating, sex (I always end up talking about sex, I don't know why, mainly about how it should be the last thing people do together in a relationship, yet it seems to be number one on the dating list of things to do.)

The women talked books and television (of course I'm the only one who watches, or admits to watching) and FD and the guys were talking politics and a discussion of restless leg, one of the symptoms that Boehringer Ingelheim's (our host) pramipexole (Mirapexin®/Sifrol®) apparently controls quite nicely, "with 15% less nausea." It's good for your bi-polar patients, too," one of the drug reps said.

"I can't even suggest a drug to a patient," I reply kindly. "Malpractice. I can suggest an evaluation, but not a drug."

Saying that, Dr. Z and I relax and compare bike rides to work.

Then I heard the following from E., a drug rep at the other end of the table. It blew my mind.

The average kid in Kentucky begins smoking tobacco at 7 years old.

I asked her to repeat that 3 times. I couldn't believe it. I thought maybe I heard it wrong. I didn't want to believe it.

When I got home I looked it up. See, it helps to look things up, to think critically. A story from NewsMax.com Wires,Tuesday, July 19, 2005

LOUISVILLE, Ky. -- Kentucky ranks among the unhealthiest states - a plight that's largely self-inflicted due to smoking, eating fatty foods and not exercising enough, The Courier-Journal reported in a special section published Sunday.

Chronic poor health threatens lives and hits all Kentuckians in the pocketbook through taxes and insurance premiums, according to the Louisville newspaper's special report.

On almost every health measure, Kentuckians fare poorly - second worst nationally for cancer deaths, fifth worst for cardiovascular deaths and seventh worst for obesity, according to the paper, which published a special eight-page section on the state's poor health.

Kentuckians die at a rate of 18 percent above the national average, the newspaper reported. Its report said residents of all income levels are disabled and killed by cardiovascular disease, cancer and diabetes _ chronic illnesses that are linked to smoking, poor eating habits and sedentary lifestyles.

"We don't have to worry about foreign aggressors," said Dr. Baretta Casey, a Hazard physician and University of Kentucky professor. "We are killing ourselves off."

Poverty is at the center of the problem. . .

Where is the word 7-year old? Nowhere.

Next story, a story on 5-7 year olds with ADHD who also have sleep disordered breathing (SDB) in Pediatrics concludes with the following:

We present additional confirmatory evidence that symptoms of SDB are frequent in 5- to 7-year-old children and that the risk increases when parents snore or smoke cigarettes. In children with significant symptoms of ADHD, REM sleep disturbances are more frequent and may contribute mildly yet significantly to neurobehavioral function

I suggest that these two stories, the one about Kentucky's populace having the worst health in the nation and the one from the pediatric journal on parental smoking and SDB blended to create this marvelous new urban myth.

But you heard it here first, folks. It really is an urban myth. (If I'm wrong, please show me the research.) Kids in Kentucky don't light up. They probably do, however, breathe in more secondary smoke than the rest of us.

Now that makes sense.

Thanks for dinner, Boehringer Ingelheim. And sure, I'll be happy to do it again.

Copyright 2007, therapydoc