Smack

Alternative title, How Much Do You Ask Your Kid?

I talk a lot about giving kids space, especially teenagers, letting them make decisions, even if they might be the wrong ones, especially if the decisions really won't make much difference in the Big Picture, and most don't, most are innocuous decisions.

But face it. Some are more innocuous than others, and kids will get themselves into very bad situations that they could have avoided had we only reeled them in, in time.

So I'm just going to throw out a little public service announcement here. It's summer, and the kids are home from school. They're going out late, breaking curfew, and sleeping late in the morning.

Even if you're up at 2:00 a.m. to get their scent, you know very well that it's possible your kid is smoking pot, or drinking, maybe even using cocaine or designer drugs, but by the time they get home, the look is less than trashed, less obvious, and short of drug testing, you rely upon what you see and hear, and face it, you're hoping for the best, giving the benefit of the doubt, wanting to avoid conflict, but more to the point, hoping there is nothing to worry about.

Closing your eyes to make it so.

And your kid is being a normal adolescent, not talking much to you except to ask for the car keys, especially ignoring intimate questions. So you're doing what you have to do, which is giving him or her space and time to grow up, to think things out, to decide the best way to go.

Nevertheless. I think it's worth it to ask about heroin.

Of course, within the guidelines of respecting boundaries, you still warn your kids about all of the other drugs, too, and about alcohol, and share some of your personal experiences (you must). You do ask questions, pointed questions, all the while giving space, not intruding too much, and respecting this growing organism's right to grow towards the sun. But if you don't ask, you don't care.

In any case you can't assume the only drugs out there are "soft" drugs. There's no good illicit drug, don't get me wrong. But there are the softer entry drugs. And there's heroin. And an overdose with heroin, or taking in bad heroin is a really bad thing, the end of the experimentation, the end of testing the limits.

When you ask, your kid will respect you more, maybe even tell you the truth, that it's out there. Why? Why would you get the truth? Because kids are scared, too. And it's your job, frankly, to scare them, so they can be even more scared.

Do they blow us off? Do they ignore us? Yeah, sure they do. But they still hear us talk, flapping in the wind; they hear words like, "I hear there's some bad heroin out on the street from Columbia and someone died, a young kid died from it. Is it going around? It's tempting, I know. I was a kid."

You can lie, here, about it having been tempting to you, or not even use the line. But if it is tempting to your kid, the kid will look at you like, HUH? And maybe be honest with you. You never know.

Just tossing it out there. For discussion.

therapydoc

Owen Wilson's Suicide Attempt

You know that on occasion I get the skinny on Hollywood gossip, right? But keep in mind that my mother-in-law says that her mother used to say, Believe half of what you hear.

So believe half of this.

On Sunday the National Enquirer ran a story that Owen Wilson had cut his wrist and was hospitalized, cocaine in his system.

Then on Monday, Dafne Merkin wrote a piece in the New York Times Magazine (Darkness Invisible) and asked rhetorically:

In a culture that encourages outing everything from incest to pedophilia, is depression the last stigma, the one remaining subject that dares not gossip its name? Does a disclosure about depression, especially from someone who seems to have it all, violate an unspoken code of silence — or, at the least, make us radically uncomfortable with its suggestion of a blithe public face masking a troubled inner life?

She asks that question because the word on the street in Hollywood is that Mr. Wilson really didn't try to kill himself. We are to believe that he is a heroin addict who accidentally overdosed.

And it is his family that wants us to believe this. Rather than expose him as suffering from depression his whole life, the family told the press to spread the word about his "addiction."

Remember, I'm just spreading gossip here, but if it's true, and let's just say for the sake of argument that it is, then the poor guy isn't even granted the right to communicate cogently about his preferred final communication.

NOW THERE'S A POWERFUL FAMILY SYSTEM.

If it's true.

And I believe it's half true, the powerful family system part for sure.

Ms. Merkin's piece is written from experience, and is a poignant reminder that although we romanticize depression, it is far from sexy, and our culture respects, perhaps even admires the risky, self-destructive abuse of illicit drugs. Hurting one's self to get high is sexy, exciting.

Battling negative emotions is not.

As FD says, It is still considered a weakness to be depressed, especially for a macho guy like Owen Wilson who plays cowboy roles. It's bad for the career to be weak, as in paralyzed with sadness.

Apparently depression is stigmatic, but heroin addiction is IN. We're still not bored with celebrity rehab. The thought of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Owen Wilsons (!?!#) getting stoned out of their gourds still turns us on.

Addiction's hot. Depression's well . . depressing.

Now, as a therapy doc, I have to tell you that indeed, addiction is not sexy. It is life threatening, no question and most people who have substance dependencies do not want them. The dual-diagnosed, those who suffer from both depression AND drug or alcohol dependency, aren't whistling Dixie, either.

I'm a little worried, frankly, that Hollywood makes out that it is cool to be a drug addict. The message to kids who are already looking to self-medicate for depression is, Get illegal drugs. You'll feel better and you'll be Cool.

Anti-depressants are for losers.*

Mr. Wilson? If you're out there? I hope you get well. Keep at it, for the sake of your talent. You make us happy when you're on screen.

And when you're well, tell the world exactly how hard it is to beat depression, but tell them that it's worth the fight. It is harder to beat depression and much more macho, than it is to use heroin. The fight against depression is positively heroic.

Be our hero, Owen. Take it on. You're in good company.

*FYI, I just read something (WSJ, not a real science journal) about current higher suicide rates for teenage girls associated with lower pharmaceutical prescriptions in that age group for antidepressants.

No kidding.

Shaking my head with confusion,

therapydoc