On Being Late for Appointments

Did I run late today? Is that what's going on here? Well...

That'd be pretty rude, right?

But it does happen to everyone, and when it happens, those of us who respect others and their time, who sees time as a valuable commodity, will feel some stress, even distress when running behind the clock.

Anxiety disordered patients have the most trouble when this happens, when they're running late. People with anxiety disorders can feel highly anxious, even have panic attacks at the very thought of inconveniencing others.

But anyone, really, can be late.

Once you're late it's a little too late to have started out earlier. I tell people who are chronically late that they need to either set their clocks ahead or start out an hour (a full hour!) earlier for appointments. Both systems tend to work.

But say it's too late for preventive strategies, too late to test out new behaviors. It's too late, you're late. What do you do?

How do you control your anxiety? How do you keep that pulse down?

Like today, since I know you're wondering, I was running late for my 11:45 appointment. AND I was riding my bike to the office, meaning I'd have to compensate for things like wind. Plus I'd have to add time to change my clothes upon arrival. The wind, as luck would not have it, was in my face, slowing me down.

What I'll do in this case is damage control, of course. I call the person I'm inconveniencing. They can power trip me all they want about it, I don't care, I've screwed up. I'm at a disadvantage.

Once a person runs late, everything shifts in the power tripping. I always respect people who don't hold it against me, you know? Those who don't take advantage of an advantage.

But I've found that when I'm running late, calling makes a big difference. It says I care and gives me a chance to apologize profusely, also allows the other person to use the time more productively.

If you adopt that strategy call as soon as you realize you're not going to make it on time. And apologize a lot.

You do it before you get into the car and have to fumble for a cell phone in traffic, or in cases like mine, before you hop on a bike and look like a person with schizophrenia in the winter.

(Listen. The bike paths were clear, the sun was shining. What was I to do, drive?)

So calling ahead is a good thing, even if it opens up the possibility of more anxiety if you don't connect. But that's the price you pay, isn't it, for screwing up? (poor time management could have been avoided, face it, if I just hadn't. . .)

I'm thinking if you're like me and anxious when running late, it's because you don't want to hurt that person's feelings. You don't want the person you're keeping in limbo to feel rejected, angry, resentful, slighted, narcissistically injured, like you placed him low on your list.

If you're late for an appointment, lunch date, job interview, sales meeting, birthday party, just about anything, it's possible you'll ruffle a few feathers. And who needs that. I hate ruffling. People have it tough enough as it is.

Anyway, I picture the person waiting for me feeling mixed emotions, none of them good, maybe even feeling relief at the thought of me not making it. Some people don't even care when I'm late, I'm convinced. Therapy can be hard.

But if you try to let yourself off the hook by focusing on positive thoughts, like people will be relieved if you don't show or won't care, be aware that the other thoughts, the more negatative ones about how badly you've hurt their feelings, or how unprofessional or callous you look, will creep in and pollute those nifty rationalizations.

That's the problem with intellectualizing. You can't get away from so many possibilities and variables once you start thinking.

Lucky for you, there IS a quick and easy solution, a tried and true TherapyDoc Intervention that has worked for almost everyone in my sample, i.e., those in my practice for whom anxiety over lateness had been a problem, probably a tiny fraction of a few thousand patients spread over 25 years, and me.

It's denial.

Now I know I've said that denial is the most immature, primative of our defenses, and it's true. But it does work here up to the moment of truth.

You say to yourself, I am not late until I'm late.

What does that mean?

If it is 11:30 and you think it will take you yet another 30 minutes to get to an 11:45 appointment, rationally, you're late. But in my world, in real time, you are not yet late. It is only 11:30. The appointment is at 11:45. You really are not late, not yet. For all you know the person you are to meet will call within the next fifteen minutes to tell you that he or she is running late. Or cancelling.

Get it? You're not late until you're late.

If the appointment is for 11:45 and it is 11:46, then you're late. THEN you have to begin to worry about your relationship. You have just stolen a minute of that person's time. You're a thief.

This is not a good feeling, and obviously can be avoided with a little planning and less puttering, eating, or Spider Solitaire.

I KNOW YOU'RE DYING TO KNOW IF I ENDED UP BEING LATE TO MY 11:45 APPOINTMENT THIS MORNING, RIGHT? I KNOW YOU ARE.

Yup. I was. Anticipating that, I left that message on the patient's cell phone apologizing. I was indeed, 4 minutes late. We had a deal, however. All of my patients know that I'll wait 15 minutes for them if they're late, and they have agreed to extend me the same courtesy. But it's not something I make a habit of doing and I discourage lateness.

The crazy thing is that it seems that whenever I'm late, the patient is late, too! The patient can be later than me! Then I have to make the moral/ethical decision: Do I lie and say I'd been waiting for them when I haven't? That's that power tripping thing I referred to above.

I'm a social worker, so no, I wouldn't do that. We're a pretty honest bunch. I'll for sure say, Oh, I was late, too. It worked out just fine, right? (smile). That's so intimate, by the way, being honest.

Today? I was blown off altogether, which is why you get to see this post. It's why that mantra works so well, too. Saying "I'm not late until I'm late" may feel like denial, but psychologically I feel that beating myself up over an event that hasn't happened yet is a waste of emotional energy. It's silly. Being late won't matter if the other person isn't waiting for you. Other variables do affect most outcomes. Others are often late, too.

This whole rationale, by the way, applies to all anticipatory anxiety. Why worry about an event that hasn't and very well may not happen?

I'm not saying you should be late intentionally or shouldn't worry at all. We have to stoke the fires of arousal SOMEHOW.

But you shouldn't ignore punctuality assuming that others will be late, or that they will blow you off, or that they keep what is often affectionately referred to as "Jewish time" or "Irish time". In these cultural "times" the thinking is that being fifteen minutes to a half hour late is normal and okay, which it might be in some crowds where everyone knows the rules. The idea there is that everyone should be adapting to an unwritten, covert rule about punctuality being over-rated and abnormal, culturally awry.

To me, fighting anticipatory anxiety, quieting yourself down by staying rational is the key. And quit the early self-flagellation. You'll have time, believe me, to regret the error or your ways later on, at show time.

Repeat after me.

I'm not late until I'm late. I'm not late until I'm late. I'm not late until I'm late. I'm not late until I'm late.

Then check your watch and get moving. Maybe you can salvage the relationship. Maybe not.

Copyright 2006, Therapy Doc