Sex and the Metaphor

I jumped at the chance to drive my son to the train, not that he couldn't have taken a bus, but I wanted to talk awhile. He's home for spring break.

We talked about blogging and how satisfying this kind of writing can be. He's very funny and sweet at the same time. Anyway, D, said, "Well, you know, YOUR blog is really for therapists, and the posts are kind of . . .uh. . .long."

Such a nice way of saying he doesn't read mine. Which is good 'cause now I can write about him and he won't even know!

Still, he's made some good points that should be addressed right away before we can stop talking about him and get back to talking about sex.

(1) In the interest of clarity, NO, THIS BLOG ISN'T ONLY FOR THERAPISTS. It's for anyone with an interest in the stuff on the sidebar

(2) In the interest of keeping things short I'll try to post more short posts. Like this one would have been shorter if I'd left off, "In the interest."

But the long ones with the stories stay. That or I save them for another kind of publication. (Leave feed back in the comments if you want me to quit writing the long ones.)

Here we go: SEX AND THE METAPHOR

Problems with sex reflect problems in a relationship. The core problem in a relationship will be played out in the bedroom-- under the covers, or over the covers, whichever the case may be; there will be covers.

A metaphor is a symbolic representation. Sex problems are symbolic of marital relationships and visa versa. I specify marital relationships here only because they're more likely to be long-term and if a relationship doesn't last very long it's hard to see the metaphor.

A common sex problem mirrors the marital problem in the example below, which is: Assuming you know what your partner likes without asking :

Sometimes we think we know what our partner likes so we don't bother asking or checking it out. We assume we're right. Our partner might enable this so as not to hurt our feelings.
"Enable" in this case means not objecting or correcting us. This lack of feedback enables a dysfunctional situation to happen over and over again.

For example, Jack assumes Jill prefers a down coat to a fur coat because she's always been an environmentalist. She actually has always wanted a fur coat, preferably, mink. He buys her the down coat because he assumes it's what she prefers. She doesn't want to hurt his feelings so she acts really happy with the down coat.

Jill will never get that mink unless she tells him the truth, which she won't. Of course, Jack should never have assumed that she'd like down over mink (come on, Jack!)

And Jill assumes Jack that Jack likes it when she gives his muscles a hard massage. She likes it when he massages her like that, so she assumes he would like it as well. He HATES this but he doesn't tell her. (It might hurt her feelings? Does this make sense? At the time, it actually does.)

The metaphor, the symbolic representation in the marriage is mind-reading. They both assume rather than ask.

You can see how it would play out in the bedroom. Change genders where appropriate if you're a sexual minority, but he gives her, or she gives him what is assumed to be wanted without really checking it out, verbally or otherwise. And all they really want to do is make one another happy. That's the irony.

This is what the faking orgasm thing is all about, by the way.

Any questions? Short enough, D.? Hey, did I say you could read this?

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